Why Didn't He Call? He Said | She Said

Why Didn't He Call? He Said | She Said

Why didn't he call me after our date? Our great date.

It's the question we ask ourselves. This might be the true equalizer of women: we have all had that date that went well, exchange numbers and a sweet goodbye and then he never calls back. And it's this unanswered question of why didn't he call that plagues our thoughts.

why didn't he call, woman, phone


I have had this happen to me. I still don't know why he called - that question never got answered - but enough time went by (8 years) that I no longer care what the reason was. At the time I did the usual: I talked to my friends. I called my own phone number to make sure it was working properly and I sighed deeply wondering if my date had been shipped off to Tibet. Worrying did not change the outcome.

So, since heterosexual dating relies on the mindsets of a male and female brain, I wanted a man's opinion to accompany the plethora of women's opinions I have received. The male opinion is from Bill Wolfe, a dater until he met his wife in his late twenties, and a guy who failed to call back a few girls himself.

SHE SAID: My girlfriends. When I talked to them, they did the best they could: They supported me and tried to make me feel better.

friends, help, women
Because even during the most serious of conversations, great friends will still make you laugh.
  • They said maybe he was busy. 
  • Maybe he had lost the number or his phone. 
  • Assured me that he'd call, that there must be a reasonable explanation.
  • And as time went by, that if he didn't call it was his loss. Except this point was never followed by a "maybe he's just not that into you," rather it was just given with a tight smile and reassuring hug. 

My friends are great people. Loving and reassuring. What they didn't do was give me the tough love answer I probably needed: He didn't call because something changed/happened that made him not want to. It may have had to do with me personally, or it may have had to do with his life. Either way, I should just move on to the next.

HE SAID: Bill Wolfe's opinion and experience-

man, man with phone
Why is this so hard?!
In my experience dating from college through my late 20’s (I met my wife a month after I turned 29), I failed to call some of the girls I dated, but not too many because I thought it was just inconsiderate and, in some cases, even mean. So I would try to call them and tell them what was going on if I didn’t intend to see them again.
 
Dater's Remorse Scenario: So, why don’t most men call? Well, it certainly isn’t because they lost her phone number. If they no longer have her number, it’s because they tossed it, never intending to call her. I think the most likely answer is that, even if the date went well, he has had more time to think about it and now has reservations. Things that didn’t really bother him during the date now come to mind and seem more annoying. For example, she was overly talkative, talked too much about her last boyfriend or her love life in general, had poor table manners, got drunk on a couple of drinks; the list is potentially endless.

Yes, these are trivial reasons not to see someone again and give them another chance, but when you’ve only dated someone once or possibly twice, sometimes the easiest thing to do when you’ve decided that she is, well, kind of annoying, is to just move on. Neither of you has invested much at this stage, so no harm, no foul, right? (Evidently not.)
 
The More Than One Woman Complex: The other reason guys don’t call back is that they are dating more than one girl and decide that things are coming together better with another girl, and they decide to invest some time and emotional energy in that relationship. This leads me to your fiance’s first answer, which is that the guy is in a complicated or on again/off again relationship and has decided it might be better not to complicate his life any further. Maybe he has decided he wants to try to save the relationship, maybe he’s just a little emotionally burned out and needs time to figure out what he wants to do, maybe he’s in the middle of a messy breakup. The bottom line is that, in these circumstances, a girl he has dated once or twice just doesn’t stand out as very important in the overall scheme of things. He has his hands full. So he just shakes it off and keeps moving.

It doesn’t mean that he hasn’t thought about the girl; it’s just that he’s not sure what he wants to do, so he does nothing (regarding the girl he dated). Guys have a tendency to compartmentalize, so he just puts it in a mental/emotional box, puts the lid on tight, and attends to more important things.

Sure, it would be nice if he would do the young lady the courtesy of calling and just explaining things honestly, but most guys find that prospect daunting; in any event, it would be delicate work, it could very well blow up in his face, and he may not be good at communicating this sort of thing. So he just moves on and hopes she understands and doesn’t take it personally.
 
Shake It Off. Worrying Only Hurts You: My advice to ladies would be not to obsess about WHY he didn’t call back. For whatever reason – one you will likely never know – he has decided not to pursue the relationship further. It might be a personal thing, but it also might not be. So women should opt for the positive approach and write it off as “nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

Maybe they read him wrong and he wasn’t that enthusiastic after all; maybe he has a complicated love life already; who knows? The only thing that will come from a woman obsessing about it is her own misery. That will only make her less appealing to the next guy she dates. Shake it off, talk to yourself like you are your own best friend, and look for the next guy. You are almost certainly attractive, likeable, and good relationship material. Hey, not dating you is his loss! Next!
 

Just Keep Doing You: You're pretty awesome, don't internalize this: I’d like to add something more serious here. I’ve spent the last few decades looking at girls and women, and there are TONS of pretty, smart, funny, sweet, desirable women out there. I probably “fall in love” several times a day (for a few minutes each time). Girls and women are VERY hard on themselves, and it saddens me to see how they beat themselves up unnecessarily.

They tell themselves they’re not pretty, they’re fat, they don’t look good in anything, they compare themselves to other girls/women, and on and on. It’s not true. You do not need to have a perfect figure or big boobs or blue eyes, or the latest fashions. Guys are capable of being attracted to, and loving, a million different types of women. (I’ve always preferred brunettes, but I married a blonde because that’s who I fell in love with. Good enough for me!)

What matters is whether you’re comfortable in your own skin, like yourself, are interested in people and things, and that you like HIM. Your desire for him is a powerful aphrodisiac! He is just as insecure as you are, and the fact that you have picked HIM as the object of your affections and desires, is a very persuasive point in your favor.

Every woman has something special about her, whether it’s pretty eyes, clear skin, beautiful hair, a great smile, dimples, an irresistible laugh, a sexy voice, nice hands, a certain way of walking, cleavage a man wants to dive into, or just wears perfume that raises his temperature when she’s nearby, etc. So whatever color hair/eyes/skin you have, whether you’re petite or statuesque, accept it and work it for all it’s worth. If you’ve got big hips, trust in the fact that a lot of men LOVE girls with big hips (like me, for example). And trust me when I say that most men do not like thin women; they like curvy, soft-looking women. So if you weigh more than you think you should, don’t worry about it. You probably look fantastic. It is not the reason he didn’t call you back, I promise.

Bill Wolfe and his wonderful blog can be found at: http://readherlikeanopenbook.wordpress.com

As a woman, I'll still wish to be able to tell my friends there is some unexplainable reason the guy she thought she hit it off with isn't calling... but the simplest answer is probably the right one: , Either his life or his perception of you has changed. It happens, we'll be ok.

You've heard the He Said / She Said points of view... what's your opinion on the matter?

Happy dating,

Jean

Related Posts

Recent Posts by Ladyjwanderlust

Comments

In order to comment on BlogHer.com, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.