The Whiteboard

The Whiteboard

My oldest son has inherited the “I have a thousand things going in my head at bedtime” issue from me.  I’ve had it as long as I can remember.  I think it started when I realized I could study REALLY hard right before bed, go to ‘sleep’ but still be studying, in my dreams.  That’s how I studied for most of my tests or anything.  Sleeping, not so much.  Studying?  Indeed.

He is having a hard time turning off his brain and I completely understand.  I do too.  We’ve had an especially crappy year too, which, when things are quiet and dark…..comes into your mind and won’t leave to give you rest.

I told him I use a Whiteboard now.  He was intrigued….because that boy LOVES a whiteboard.  He has a large one in his room.

I decided a few months ago to use one in my mind.  I write, jot, scribble all over the whiteboard.  When I go to bed…just mess it up.

Write on everything and anything:

Why don’t I blog anymore?
Did I pay for that field trip?
When do I need to go out of town?
We need cat food.
Why did my daddy fade away in what seemed like a flash?
Did I remember to write that email to so-in-so?
Did I answer that email from so-in-so?
Did I turn off the dryer?
When is Ryan’s project due?
Damn my knees STILL hurt.
Does Owen have clean soccer socks?
I miss daddy…..
I miss daddy……
I…..when am I going to feel better?
What is on my calendar tomorrow?
Why do I have this much crap on the whiteboard?

And then?  I erase it…..slowly.  Steadily…reading each part….and wiping it clean.  Clean and white and sparkling.  And I don’t allow myself to think about another damn thing on that whiteboard.  Until I do it all again the next night…..and the next….and the next.

Ryan tried the whiteboard….I think it makes sense to him.  He is trying to wipe it clean every night too.

Because we, at bedtime, are trying to make sense of what has no sense.

How this year has gone.

Love,
Hatefully Wiping the Whiteboard

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