The Under Armour Protege for Big Boobs and Saline Noobs: A Running Bra Review
See those MRE's? I want to you to look closely to the side at my frightened newborn. And now, look back at those. Those would be my scary big 32F breasts that could squeeze into a 32DDD sports bra if I was lucky.
I don’t want anyone to believe I have been running around like this my entire life. Babies, breast feeding, and that boob job before my 30th birthday engorged these girls to a monstrous size. I have a love/hate relationship with my frontal lobes. Some days, they are awesome and they come in super handy.
Hands-free Media Holder
But now that I'm above well-endowed I DO understand the PAIN (yes, I meant to put that in caps and itallics for great emphasis) of carrying around the extra weight on the front of my body. I also understand the medical necessity for breast reduction. There's the chronic back pain, inability to find workout tops that fit, inability to do ANYTHING without a bra. Add in the fact that I feel like I'm knocking my eye out every time I go for a run and these pimped-out hubcaps can be such a bummer. It's not that I regret the ornamental decor I decided upon a decade ago, but I do want to caution girls who want to have them put on their bodies. If you're a runner, be careful what you ask for.
Extremely large breasts have been linked to a number of physical complaints including back aches, neck pain, suspicious facial expressions, and numbness in the abdomen that requires one arm to cover it. They have also prevented women from doing everything from aerobic exercise to sitting in a lounge chair outside, which is more appropriate for wearing this bikini.
I know from experience in marathon and ultra-running that as I add more mileage to my routine and begin to settle back into a somewhat normal non-baby carrying/feeding vessel, I need more support. Inadequate support during high-impact exercise can damage the Cooper's ligaments, the fibrous tissue that gives breasts their shape. The inelastic tissue can become stretched permanently. Plus, my mama always warned me that what goes up must come down. In other words, I don’t want a pair of knee knockers later in life, so I take care of them now. If I don't take precautionary measures now to take care of them I know that eventually, even if I complimented them every day, my boobs would lose self-esteem. They'd always be looking down.
No way around it, sports bras are a NECESSARY expense and one must know which one is the right one for oneself and for the activities one enjoys. Running lots of miles every week requires a lot of forceful impact and high intensity which could turn my frontal lobes into warming globes (does that even make any sense? Ha-ha, I don’t care. It rhymes and I just want to use as many words as possible from my breast euphemisms list.). Since undergoing mama breast transformation, I've measured a few different sizes than the previous before babies 32DD, so I found a cheap champion sports bra fit the best while my breast tissue tried to settle. I wore the white Champion High Impact bra below in the ING Georgia marathon mostly because it was cheap and being in between sizes, I couldn't find an alternative.
Hey, my eyes are up here!
However, Oprah's favorite Enell sports bra performed a decent job keeping the girls in for a beach 50k while I was still breast feeding in 2013. The black one I have on under my tri-shirt in the photo below is devised to be the industrial strength sports bra.
After a few hours in this device I likened it to a $60+ relative of the straight jacket.
No doubt about it, the Enell is specifically designed to oppress the freedom of breast movement. The front closures were also tricky to secure so I had to work out a handy technique of wrenching my shoulder out of its socket in an attempt to properly secure it. No big deal – but even then the only way the bra does its duty is if it’s clung tightly enough around my ribs to restrict my breathing. It took three volunteer firemen, a can of Crisco, and the Jaws of Life to get me out of that son of a gun. Despite having a sleek ponytail and good make-up for my finish line photo, of course, I felt like my chest housed two bloated humpback whales trying to get out of their inner tubes. Oprah raved about the comfort factor in this bra. Here’s what I think would provide comfort while wearing it: a Xanax flavored smoothie with a vodka chaser.