Terrorist Yogurt

Terrorist Yogurt

 Now, I am a mom who is prepared for shit.  I had a backpack full of snacks for my kids.  Especially after our 14 hour door to door travel adventure to get to PSP I wanted to be prepared for anything.  I had the audacity to bring sealed yogurt pouches and baby Tylenol in my carry-on bag.  Oh, and my kids each had a cup half filled with milk, because I'm starting their terrorist training early, obviously.  While none of these things raised an eyebrow at ORD (I believe the woman took the cups and tested them while we were putting our shit through the X-Ray machine so no time was lost) they raised hell at PSP.

 While the rest of my family (we were traveling with my in-laws too) got the all clear, I was flagged as a threat because I was dangerously traveling with small children and snacks specifically designed (and sealed!) for small children.

 My entire bag had to be emptied out, but of course I couldn't do it.  The milks had to be tested, but of course the agent didn't have any of the materials to test it with at his stand and had to wait about 7 minutes for someone to bring them to him - you see, I, as a terrorist threat, could not be left alone.  Then we got into an argument in which he wanted to open and test all 4 yogurt pouches I had.  You can tell that PSP doesn't see a lot of kids/babies because I also once had this argument with someone about opening my RTF formula bottles when my kids were younger.  No.  You cannot open my sealed food because then I'd have to throw it all away.  I know it raises a lot of suspicion that a mom might be bringing snacks for her kids on the plane, but I promise it's just regular yogurt - not terrorist yogurt.  I eventually won (of course I did), and he agreed not to open my yogurt but I'm pretty sure I didn't win myself a new friend in the process.  I'm pretty sure he, and everyone in a 40 foot radius could feel the rage waves I was sending out.

 The best (or worst, really) part was the molestation pat-down.  I do not know what creepo thought this process up but for the love of all that is holy, please don't give me a 5 minute speech on what you're going to do AND THEN also narrate it as you're doing it ("I'm rubbing the back of my hand over your buttocks.").  Just fucking get it over with.  And then, THEN, the bitch had the balls to ask me to "lift my shirt up a bit" so she could see the waistband of my pants.  What. The. Fuck.  Fine, the good passengers at PSP got a nice glimpse of flabby, pale, Midwestern mom tummy.  Because I dared to bring children's Tylenol and yogurt pouches with me.

 I got to take my shoes off and put them on 4 different times, because the dude and the chick TSA agents couldn't agree on whether or not they were done with them.

 They fully unpacked my backpack and made zero attempt to repack, instead handing it to me and saying unceremoniously, "You're done, you're clear."

 Really?  You mean my yogurt and children's Tylenol AREN'T going to blow up the plane?  What a relief.  I'm sure all the other passengers felt safer knowing that you left no inch of my body untouched and tested my milk and yogurt for explosives.

 Look, I get that we need security.  But all I'm looking for here in some fucking common sense.  "Hey look, there's a family with small children traveling with snacks that are made for small children, let's assume that they're going to use that yogurt to feed their kids, and NOT blow up a plane."  That would be nice, wouldn't it?

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