Ten Awesome things about a Mom body...
I have a mom body. It makes sense, right? Football players have football player bodies, ballet dancers have ballet dancer bodies and moms have mom bodies. We each have own our specialty and in my opinion, creating life kind of trumps catching a ball for a touchdown or twirling in the air with an eating disorder.
So why is the “mom body” held in such disdain? Why is it that 64% of women feel worse about their bodies after they become moms? Why is it that celebrity moms are either applauded or chastised depending on how quickly they look like they never had a baby at all?
Can you imagine an ultimate fighter leaving the ring and saying, “Don’t look at my nose! It’s so swollen!” And having a baby is a lot like being an ultimate fighter except our fight lasts nine months without so much as a water break or a Nike endorsement.
As a mom of three kids, I’m sick of society trash talking my junk. I believe our culture doesn’t celebrate the mom body because very few people actually know all the things it can do, you know, besides the baby making part. After all, in order to love Superman, it helps to know he can fly. That’s why I’ve compiled a list of all the amazing things a mom body can do – an official scorecard of our secret super powers, if you will.
It’s time for the world to stand back and be awed by us for a change.
It’s time to look at the mom body in a whole new way.
1. Mom Boobs. Let’s face it, perky boobs can only do one thing – look perky. But mom boobs can do a variety of things. After years of nursing children, these long thin bad boys have give. They have reach. Mom boobs can be used as an impromptu scarf, a slim jim for unlocking car doors and even as fun, irreverent cat toys. Did you know mom boobs can even improve your sex life? You and your significant other can go at it and you don’t even have to be in the same room. Just roll one of them out of your bra, send it cascading out the door and watch the sparks fly.
2. The Bellybutton. Sure, most people can wink with their eyes, but really, how boring is that? My eyes AND my belly button can wink and since my belly button is always in a half-closed winking position, it’s like I’m constantly flirting with the world. Like right now, I’m winking at you, through my shirt. My belly button has turned into one subtle, sexy protruding piece of flesh and I’m happy to add it to my alluring female bag of tricks.
3. The Pooch. Talk about perky! Big and round like Pooh Bear, the mom tummy puffs proudly out of any pair of jeans saying to the world, “Never forget I’ve had a baby!” The mom pooch is a great place to rest your hands. It’s a great place to eat from. I recently planted an herb garden on my mom pooch. Just don’t make the mistake of trying to tame your tummy underneath a pair of Spanx. The mom pooch is a most vengeful body part and will seek justice by way of exploding out of the top or bottom of whatever restraining device you’re trying to suppress it with. Which is fine by me. I say, the bigger the better. No gut, no glory!
4. The Vagina. Remember when you were a kid and you’d laugh so hard you’d pee in your pants? Well, the mom vagina helps you recreate this magical experience on a daily basis. And not just with laughing. A small sneeze, a startle or a delayed trip to the bathroom and suddenly you’re relieving yourself whenever and wherever you want. And talk about size! Your super-sized snatch provides you with no more pain at the gynecologist, no more fear of extra large tampons and no more wondering where to keep extra Christmas decorations. Thanks, big vagina! I haven’t had to buy storage containers for years.