I am in the thralls of singledom. For the first six months of my singe life, I spent it moping about being depressed, there was zero action and everything was painful.
Now is a little different.
I am very much sexually active at the moment and doing things I would never usually do. However, it does make me feel really alive though. It’s kind of thrilling. Before I thought all I wanted was a boyfriend, to be settled.Now that idea seems constricting. In the past I fell for guys so easily. I find it is so hard to find that buzz, that fall, that love that I usually found so quickly in the past. Yes, I’ve made a few connections but nothing awe inspiring, nothing like the sparks I’ve had before. Sex is good though. I think its so hard for Irish girls especially to express that yes, we do like sex, yes we get horny and yes sex can be good for you.
What I have noticed in terms of protection is that its all down to the girls. It is essentially the girls responsibility. I apparently “make” guys wear a condom. I almost feel like asking them is like an apology. Don’t get me wrong, I dislike condoms, they feel shit and they are a total mood killer. That awkward few moments where the guy fumbles with the wrapper, tears it off and tries to gingerly place it on his penis. I’m left waiting and wondering should I kiss him or do something or will that distract him from his condom putting on duties.
I don’t get why some guys don’t think a condom is important as equally as girls do. I think its fairly irresponsible to just assume the girl is on the pill. Are they not afraid of unwanted pregnancy, STI’s, HIV?
Then there’s the afterwards. I like the cuddling, its so nice and comforting. Some just turn their backs though which I find pretty insulting. We’ve just done one of the most intimate thing that two people can do and you can’t even just cuddle. Its a fairly natural thing to do,
However as much as I’m enjoying my new lease of freedom and thrills. I would like a relationship in the near future. Even though there is such drama and effort involved. I love the intimacy of being close to someone for extended periods of time, of chatting about stupid stuff, everyday stuff, making plans and going on trips. I miss being in love.
For now though, I’m doing ok, just by myself. I make the decisions. That feels powerful.