A Rebuttal, "Things a Bio-Mom Shouldn't Say!"
I am a step-mom. A bonus mom, however you word it, that's me.
I came into my step-son's lives when they were 4 years old and 16 months old. I was friends with my dear husband for about 2 years prior to us crossing the friend line in February of 2012, therefore ending up with me marrying him in December of 2012 and starting our amazing life together.
I am not evil, nor do I ever intend to be. I don't make your children dress in rags and clean my house, but I do make them keep their room clean and respect their father and me.
Becoming a married step-parent at the age of 21 was not how I thought my life would turn out, but I love it and I wouldn't change a thing.
Recently I stumbled across an article that really rubbed me the wrong way. You can read it for yourself here - http://www.oprah.com/relationships/The-things-a-stepmother-should-never-say.
So, Rosemary Rogers, in an effort to educate Bio-Moms everywhere about what [most] stepparents are about, I give you, 10 Things a Bio-Mom Should Never Say/Do:
#1 - "It's [insert stepparents name here] fault that your daddy and I aren't together anymore" Really, this is number one, and it is probably the most prevalent of all among things that Bio-Moms tell their children out of spite and start out the children's relationship with the Stepparent on the wrong foot. Most of the time this statement is a complete lie, and is said out of spite. If it is the truth, wait until the child is old enough to actually understand this statement, and then back it up with facts.
#2 - "I miss you so much, I wish you were here instead of at daddy and [stepmom]'s house" I understand you miss your little one, but please for goodness sake don't make the child feel guilty for being at the other paren'ts house. Put their feelings above yours in this case, tell them you miss them, but you are so happy that they are having fun at daddy's house. If they aren't having fun, tell them that you hope they start to have fun soon, because you are happy when they are happy. Don't be afraid of your child having fun somewhere other than with you, be an adult.
#3 - "Ask you father" This is more specific, for things that you know the answer is no, but you don't want to be the one to say it. Don't put off saying no to your child, learn to stand up to them and don't put the "NO" word on dad and his new significant other. If he doesn't do this to you, don't do this to him. He's not the bad guy all the time.
#4 - "How are daddy and [stepmom]?" or "What is going on at daddy and [stepmom]'s house?" Unless this is a genuine question, don't ask it. Don't use your kids to spy on your ex and his woman. Using your child as a pawn is not fair to them, they are not your messenger, and eventually they will catch on and realize what you're doing.
#5 - "She's not your mom, don't listen to her, Daddy is the boss" and all other similar statements. This is a big one. There will be times where Daddy will not be around, and their stepmom will be the sole parental figure watching them. Don't make this hard for us. It's hard enough as it is having to distinguish rules from two households and raise another woman's child[ren] without having you whispering in their ears not to listen to us because we're not the boss. This is how my husband sees it, from a man with children who have a step-father in their life: "At our house he is Dad and I am Mom, and at Bio-Mom's house, she is Mom and her boyfriend is Dad" I was very proud of my hubby for allowing another man to be a father figure in his boys' lives. The only thing is, obviously the kids don't call me "Mom" and her boyfriend "Dad", but we are the "other parents" in this situation.
#6 - "Don't make me call your father" This goes with #3 in a way. Don't expect that Dad is the only disciplinarian in this family, at your house you are the disciplinarian, at our house Dad is. Punishment should not be from one parent, this causes hostility towards the parent dealing out the punishment, and in all honesty, if you can't at least try to have a backbone and discipline your children then you might wanna consider some coaching on it. Don't put all the punishment on Dad, he doesn't do it to you, so why do it to him?