Postpartum and my life, dealing with myself.
I am not even sure where to begin. How do I start this post out? Do I begin with a cliche' "Hi my name is ______, and I have postpartum depression?" I don't think I should, so let me try a different way.
This is by no means easy for me. Infact, it is a daily struggle that many women face. A daily struggle to get up out of bed without crying,feeling sorry for myself, or anxious until I am turning blue. This is my story however, of my struggle with postpartum depression. And my final straw to get help.
Let us go back a bit. I had a whirl wind of a pregnancy. Because of my heart I was at first considered "high risk". Then a couple of months later, I was in the clear. FAst-forward to January, to when my son tried to come at 31 weeks. I was in preterm labor then I wrote about it here. I wrote about it at my blog at Gofashiondeals. But, through all that I made it to full term and on March 5th I delivered my 8lbs 1oz baby boy.
That is where my depression began. In the hospital I was pretty content,they(nurses) would come in ask if I had any issues mentally at that point. You know the drill, suicidal thoughts, want to hurt baby,yadda,yadda,and yadda. I didn't feel any of that. Still don't. Infact that never crossed my mind. But, the hospital Winnie Palmer in Orlando is required to ask all of that, and they ask frequently.
I got home with little sir, and things were great. Then I noticed something. I was getting iritabble, which I just figured it was lack of sleep. I was a new new new mom(still am,duh,haha) how was I supposed to know that I was already having issues. So, like many people I ignored it. Until one night when little sir was crying non stop, I just put him back in his bassinet, sat on the bed and cried. I cried because I thought I was a bad mommie, I cried because he was crying, I cried cause I was clearly tired. My husband woke up and helped me, he took over so I could calm down and focus. This was a precursor for what happens later.
I found myself beating myself down a lot, thinking I was a horrible mom. I seemed sad a lot and anxious. I was thinking about work a lot and worry was I did and still do. I went to my first postpartum appointment, and when asked are you sad,depressed,anxious,moody,etc. I shook my head and said no. Like many other women do,every day. I thought this was something I could control, and that all those problems were just from a lack of sleep and new mama-itis. I figured it would go away and I never thought this kind of depression would stick.
Here I am in June, I am back to work, and I cry all the time. Who knew someone could produce as many tears as I can. My first weeks back at work were probably typical for a new mom, upset and sad. But the sadness never went away, the tears made their ugly way back and my downward spiral began anew. Especially when I started working from home. I was at home and little sir was not. I have time to sit and stew, thinking about him. I see his toys everywhere. I see his room. I feel empty. Like a shell walking from one room to another, to clock in and get yelled at all day as a CSR. Which with postpartum, stress is hard to deal with.
Today I finally reached out, after crying so much and beating myself to a pulp. I made the call to my OBGYN.I had too, I could only take so much more of this non-me. So, we talked and set a plan. Medication for short-term and I have got to get back into the office. Working at home may not be for me after all. I need other people interaction, actually people interaction. I need another type of support system. I have IM, but IM only goes so far. I need separation of work and home. Especially right now, to help me with this. Everyday has to be taken day by day. One step at a time, and for anyone else who has postpartum know that your moodiness,sadness,anxiety, and other stuff is caused by hormone inbalances. This out of your control as it is out of my control.