The Pause in Perimenopause

The Pause in Perimenopause

Oh. Dear. God. Above…

I think I’m having hot flashes.

Is it menopause? Perimenopause? Just-o’-pause?

Come on baby, light my fire?

 

I’ve never worried about the “change of life” before. Ever. I mean I’ve actually looked forward to it after years of Stage IV Endometriosis and cramps that have left me crying, cuddled in the corner like Baby on crack. But, that was before I knew I was going to be pushed up to the very razor’s edge of spontaneous combustion.

It was definitely before I knew I was going to burst into flames at any possible second.

It was most assuredly before I knew that the blazing inferno inside of my body was going to reach the surface temperature of the sun about eight times a day with no warning.

Picture it…


I’m sitting there watching reruns of Frasier, cuddling with the Kr8z, eating Big Hunks, and suddenly I feel this warmth in my torso that quickly turns hotter and hotter and spreads throughout my whole body until I’m gasping from panic and lack of oxygen. I’m afraid to open my mouth to let in any cool air because I’ve watched Backdraft about a million times so I know better.

I’m not sweating profusely or anything so there is that. But I am waking up a couple times a night and my yellow Dr. Seuss “One Fish, Two Fish” pajamas have melded to my body like molten gold. I lay there panting with So-Kr8z trying to lick the sweat from inside my mouth. It’s all very Animal Farm meets Suzanne Summers without her yams in the Mojave Desert in August.

I always thought that when you went into menopause you’d then graduate to Crone status; you’d be all wise and sage and have this crazy depth. I’m certainly not feeling very wise. Just yesterday I had Cap’n Crunch for dinner.

Picket Signs?


I visited Dr. Google looking for alternatives to hormone replacement. I’m only 42 and my guess is that, due to my endo, I only have one lone ovary up in there and she was probably struggling to keep up with my estrogen demands and went on strike. I can see her brandishing a picket sign painted with neon pink letters that read “Overworked and underpaid.” Or perhaps she jumped off my uterus due to loneliness and splatted to her death. Who knows? But, there is no way I’m going to swallow a single drop of horse pee. Plus, my dearest friend lost her mom due to a blood clot from those drugs and it was heartbreaking.

Unfortunately, my research didn’t uncover much. Some studies have shown flaxseed to be helpful and another study showed that it doesn’t do shit, though apparently it makes you need to shit. Then we have Suzanne’s yams which, apparently, don’t do a damn thing either, plus yams are meant for bathing in brown sugar and butter during Thanksgiving time.

I’m not wholly sure what it all means. Perhaps it’s time to take a pause. Perhaps it’s time to buy a fire extinguisher. I dunno. But… I’d love some tips for unfanning these flames. What works for you, aside from Equus ferus caballus urine? Have you experienced this inner pyromaniac phenom in your body? I’d so love some sage words of advice.

Melanie Bates is the creator of Femme Tales - Truth with Humor

Related Posts

Menopause: My Brain Is Full of Holes

My boyfriend and I are talking movies. Me: “What’s that film where Mira Sorvino plays the stripper?” Him: “Marisa Tomei?” Me: “Did I just say 'Mira Sorvino'?” My 22-year-old daughter and I are on our way to dinner after her ice hockey game. Me: “You know who played really well tonight?” Her: “Who?” Me: “Um, you know, she’s a defenseman.” Her: “Which one? Hailey?” Pause.   Read more >

Perimenopause: Longing For The Red Tent

Here is the pain again… in all its spiral curves, dips and dives – plunging me into a dark unrecognizable place which has no identifying landmarks. Looking into the mirror, my waist seems to mimic my fuzzy brain, both going flaccid overnight. Just moments away from making peace with my body, out of nowhere a hormonal hell has stepped in, taken over, and apparently sideswiped the person who was once me. I am exhausted. Who does this body belong to? It couldn’t be mine. Do I really look this gray and achromatic?   Read more >

Understanding the Latest Research About Hormone Replacement Therapy

For years there have been suspicions and studies linking Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) to breast cancer, but new research is now definitively linking HRT to an increase in breast cancer death rates. It wasn't long ago that HRT was touted as a cure for menopause symptoms, that would also help your heart, your bones, and even prevent cancer.   Read more >

Comments

In order to comment on BlogHer.com, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.