Parenthood Dislcaimer and Release

Parenthood Dislcaimer and Release

We've heard you've been considering creating a family, experiencing the pure joy of love wrapped in a velvety receiving blanket, embarking upon the magical journey of parenthood! Fantastic!

We realize there have been some misunderstandings regarding the perceptions and actual practice of parenthood. To clear up any confusion, we've asked that you please read this form, then sign and initial where indicated.


Parenthood Disclaimer and Release


Welcome! And congratulations for taking that giant leap towards parenthood! We trust you will enjoy each and every moment of this fulfilling experience, but first, it is imperative you read and understand the contents of this form.

Parenthood is a rewarding and magical experience, though is often depicted in the media as somewhat more pleasant than it can actually be. By reading and signing this form, you attest that you understand and are preparing for all aspects of the experience.

During pregnancy, you will feel compelled to create a thoughtful and comprehensive birth plan. It will be outlined, modified, shared with medical professionals, whispered about during those dreamy, pre-child bedtimes, and discussed with friends and coworkers. When you've finalized those plans, please go ahead and rip them up. If you have a fireplace, you will light it and throw them in. If you do not have a fireplace, you acknowledge its destruction via trash compactor, paper shredder, or small-breed dog.

When you arrive home with your new bundle of joy, car seat perfectly placed (you used the built-in level!), to your beautifully appointed nursery, you will want to begin rotating your suite of complementary nursery attire. Please initial below to acknowledge that you understand the child will wear the same onesie repeatedly, as it will be the nearest piece of clothing available to keep your child from urinating on your couch. By initialing below, you also understand that half of the clothing you've received will either a) be too small to fit at your child's birth, b) will be worn 90% of the time, or c) will be forgotten on the bottom shelf of a changing table until it no longer fits the child.  _______

It is also imperative that you understand terms including, but not limited to, "decorator towels", "sports car", "last-minute vacation", "nightly news", and "Swarovski Crystal" should and will be permanently stricken from your written and spoken vocabulary.

Further, you hereby acknowledge and agree to the fact that you will, without reservation, clean any manner bodily fluids deriving from every living creature in your home, from any surface in your home, including furniture, floors, toilets, and walls. You also understand that this is expected to continue for a period of approximately eighteen years.

You understand that you will not, under any circumstance, give exact times of arrival for any event, including your own child's baptism or birthday party, because you will never arrive at that time. You may actually not arrive at all.

You acknowledge and agree that, at certain points, you will eat food that has been on the floor, after having rolled down a pair of fleece pants. You will drink various juices from sippy cups. You will eat items you would not normally eat, simply to keep them from hitting the floor.*

*We recommend adopting a dog.

Further, you acknowledge that most of your nutrition will come from caffeine and finger-sized foods.  Also, any "personal time"  afforded to will be spent a) in the bathroom, or b) in your car. Customary accompaniments include portable electronic devices and the above-mentioned caffeine and finger-sized foods.

You acknowledge, that at some point, you will want to murder your own, your friends, and/or your neighbors, due to a combination of sleep deprivation, malnutrition, and/or dehydration. This is completely normal.

You acknowledge that you will post not less than five (5 ) items per day regarding your child on social media, including, but not limited to, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, and YouTube.

Lastly, you acknowledge that most (if not all) of your social stimulation will take place via retail store checkout lines, texting, and Pinterest. By initialing here, you acknowledge that Pinterest will not respond when you speak to it. __________


Please sign here to acknowledge you've read and understood the preceding items, and are ready to pursue the vocation of parenthood.



We thank you for your cooperation. Your Cloth Diapering: Pros and Cons worksheet will be arriving in approximately six weeks.


Momma Be Thy Name

@mommabethyname on Twitter 

Momma Be Thy Name on Facebook

Related Posts

Be More Funny! 22 Prompts to Help You Write Humor Posts

I started blogging at Pecked To Death By Chickens about 5 months ago writing mostly about minor annoyances and how I deal with them. I always like to add some funny to my writing because I want people to enjoy reading it, and I know that personally, I am more likely to read something if I am amused.   Read more >

8 Sites I Can't Live Without

This post is for my fellow bloggers—especially those who may be newer to blogging and still figuring it all out. I have only been blogging for about five or six months, and since it took me quite a while to figure out which blogging sites held the most benefit for me as far as getting great daily information or sharing my content, I thought I would share my "daily eight" with others plus get a conversation going about your favorite sites that I may have missed.   Read more >

Why Can't People with Kids Keep Their Cars Clean? 4 Solutions For Busy Parents

“Why can’t people with kids keep their cars clean?” These are famous words from a snobby former D.I.N.K. who clearly thinks she is better than the rest of us. Wait… I said that… before I had kids. I used to cringe if I had to ride with someone in a vehicle that regularly shuttled carseat-aged children. It didn’t matter if the kids were actually in it when I was, and it wasn’t really even the kids that I disliked. It was the mess. The mess that somehow creeped beyond the backseat to the front.   Read more >

Recent Posts by mommabethyname


In order to comment on, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.