The (Not so Exact) Science of Peeing in the Potty
Living in a house with 3 human and 2 canine males, I clean up more than my fair share of urine. The dogs are well trained, my 1 year old pup is light years ahead of the other males in this house in terms of cleanliness. Over the years, I have yelled, talked nicely, offered rewards and punishments and had them clean it up themselves to no avail. Urine makes its way onto the toilet seat, behind the toilet seat, onto the floor and on the rare occasion, into the trash bucket. I have no idea why.
One thing I know without question, men are like cats in a litter box, once you clean it, they have a sudden urge to use it. Without fail, they are in there before I have put the cleaning supplies away. It's like doing laundry, if you don't do it naked, there's always more. If I don't clean when they aren't home, it's not really clean. What they don't have in common with cats, is paws. Cats use the litter box, use their paws to cover their mess and often spill it out onto the floor because they simply aren't paying attention or don't care where it goes. Although men don't have to cover their mess, I do believe they also aren't paying attention or don't care where it goes. I decided to figure out what it is that makes it so hard.
My first step was to buy a protractor, I thought I could calculate the degrees the urine would have to travel from the center of the toilet to hit the floor. After measuring the toilet, I tried to figure it out but I'm not really sure I was correct. I think they have about 40º to the right or left before they hit the top of the toilet, this calculates to 5.5 inches in either direction as the toilet is 11 inches at it's widest point. At the narrowest point of 4”, they've got 2” of wiggle room, literally. If they decided to rock up and down on their toes while urinating, they've got a full 14.75” to work with, they could sway 7.375 up or down and still stay in the toilet!
It seemed to me, they have plenty of room. So I took a look around my bathroom, as you can see from the picture it is unremarkable. There is really nothing going on that would cause them to move around that much. Then it hit me, it must be the length of time it takes to pee! It takes so long that they can't possibly stand still that long! So I spent 3 days standing outside the bathroom door with a stop watch to see how long it takes. It took no longer than 30 seconds from the time I heard the urine hit the water until I heard it stop, the average was about 15 seconds. So can the male species not stay still for up to 30 seconds? Apparently not.
Scientifically speaking, because I am a scientist you know, the human has a focused attention span of about 8-12 seconds, versus the 9 seconds of a goldfish. We have a sustained attention span of anywhere from 15-50 minutes. Honestly, I am too lazy to dig further into this so let's just say that if a man needed to focus and concentrate for 15 minutes, he could. That means there would be absolutely no reason there would be urine outside the toilet bowl. If we are speaking strictly about focused attention, it seems that if a man were peeing for more than 8 seconds, he could not possibly concentrate long enough to ensure the urine stays in the toilet.
In sum, I have found that unless there is some immediate reward for urinating in the toilet, such as a TV screen at the bottom of the bowl showing their favorites sports or pictures of hot women, it's just not going to happen. Since I would like to be reimbursed for my protractor, I will be submitting my findings to the first journal of science I can find.