The Nightmare of my 16 year old self
I fight this battle all for what seems to be my whole life... I really cant explain it, maybe its the control, maybe its just so that for once I can control how much pain I feel...How much i bleed...
I have an addiction I have been fighting for a long time now, but for the first time I can say that today, 2-12-14 I have not cut in 8months and 2days. Now that may not seem like a big deal to anyone, but thats a freaking mile stone for me.
The reason I cut in the past was because I was abused, raped, hurt, && im just overall broken. for the first time in my life I am in a relationship where he doesnt hurt me, hit me, or abuse me in any way shape or form.
But my past is dark, some people wonder why i didnt end it all, what made me put up with that...well I never thought that in a million years I would ever be in a relationship where the other person treated me right.
In 6th grade I started to starve myself so that i could stay skinny, i was scared to get fat..i was always picked on never had many friends...well after not eatting for a week the first thing you see you eat like you have never eatten before && then i just kept eatting && eatting, untill it made me sick. I ran to the bathroom && threw up enough food to feed an army...trust me it was bad, I said never again && then sooner or later someone would make me feel worthless, like i didnt matter. so if i didnt matter whats the point of eatting. so i would skip almost every meal... no one ever really noticed, or atleast they never pointed it out to me or tired to help. && the little food i did eat would make me sick, i hated myself for eatting. I know its crazy but i felt like i was a cow but it was all in my head. I only weighed like maybe around 95ibs but still i saw a cow in the mirrio everytime i looked.
i hated myself more then anything in the world, but i couldnt stop myself i would binge eat && eat so much it would make me sick && the cycle would contioue on && on it went && turned into a full blown eatting disorder. lets see it started in 6th grade && i couldnt even edmite to having an eatting disoreder untill after i graduated highschool && was impationt in a hospital. one of the biggest problems was i hated myself, my depression was horrible, i wanted to die, but i knew i needed help so off i got sent to impationt/rehabe. They tried to help me && it helped for a while but, then the cutting would start again && i would binge eat off && on. hey i thought i had it all undercontrol maybe it was normal to be like this. maybe this is why modles are the way they are.
well not its years later. the worst part is the one person that hurt me the most, that destroyed me, just to builde me back up again that guy he was my boyfriend in 2009 but, he was abusive would make me beg him to just kill me && get it overwith. well on newyears eva going into 2010 he raped me && then in his sick && twisted head he threw $100 at me like it made it okay. i remeber going into the bathroom crying wishing i was dead. i didnt wanna live anymore i just wanted it all to end. so i started to cut && it didnt work this time because he openned the bathroom door && found me crying && cutting my wrist && he told me if im going to do that hes going to make me wish i had never started && he dragged me to his room handcuffed me to his bed && cut my legs && after he was done he told me i better never do that again or he will make me pay. i told him fine. he unhandcuffed me && pushed me to the floor... i got up && got the gun out of the top of his dresser && i pointed it at him && he said i didnt have the balls to do it then i said fuck you and all your sick games he said what the fuck did you just say. i said fuck you && put the gun in my mouth, he started to laugh so i pulled the trigger && nothing happen. the gun was never loaded...i fell to my knees as he walked over to me && i held my breath till i passed out later that night i woke up in another room his sister helpped me && cleaned me up but told me if i ever tell anyone what her brother did to me she would kill me herself. so i didnt tell anyone for years i held my tonge.untill i tried to kill myself && my partents found out in therapy what he did but by the time anyone knew it was too late he got away with everything he did to me && now to make it worst i have flashbacks everysecond of everyday but i no longer remember what he looks like its just his voice with a shadow that does everything he did to me. i shoud have went to the cops or something but i didnt i was so afraid && i let him get away with it; && i blam myself everyday for what he did to me. because i should have gotten out while i had the chance.