A New Beginning
Things feel so overwhelming sometimes. I've had to face some tough facts the last few days.
I raved to everyone about how great he was doing, without ever really mentioning that there had been relapses. When he stated how long he'd been clean, I never stood up and said, "Ummm, no. You've relapsed several times since then."
Somehow he convinced me that since he wasn't relapsing with heroin then it wasn't that bad, that he was doing better. Yet, a day before he left he told me that he had known for a while heroin wasn't his biggest problem, molly was.
In the beginning it was the same rules for him as every other person I've helped out before. 3 strikes and you are out. I won't be there anymore, you can't stay here any, and you are on your own as far as I'm concerned. Something I've stuck to for years. Yet, with him there was exception after exception.
What made it different?
I had been thinking all along that it was different because he and I were good together. That somehow all the elements (how long we've known each other, knowing each other's family, supporting each other, etc) were worth it.
Now though I'm starting to see that the relationship he and I had doesn't say much about him.....he was doing the same thing he'd done for years. It says allot about me however.
I want to know why I ALLOWED all of this. Why I tolerated it, put up with it, and made excuses for it.
I don't want to be this person anymore.
So very flipping tired.