First and foremost, I write as therapy for myself. I use my blog to purge my thoughts. I use it to dump everything out, sort through it, and try to see if there is anything useful. I also use my blog as an attempt to reach out. I want to be helpful. I want others who are struggling to know that they are not alone. I want those who have no idea about depression or postpartum depression to get a sense of what it is really like. Sometimes I find myself wishing for more readers and wanting to get more traffic to my web site. Whenever I do that, I start doubting myself. I lose sight of what I am really doing, and I start trying to write what I think people want to hear. My hope is that my conscience blocks those posts from ever being published. Because this is not about becoming popular or having a lot of attention. This is about getting better and helping people.
I have been neglecting my sticker chart for a couple of days. I blame it on the kids stealing my stickers, but truthfully, I have not been doing so well, so I am not motivated to mark my progress. This morning I got up early, got Emma dressed and fed and let Steve sleep in. That is a first since he's been here in Colorado, I think. I even french braided Emma's hair and walked her to school. Then I came back, dressed both the boys and hit a roadblock. I had about an hour until we needed to leave to go to my group therapy. What I should have done and what I wanted to do were battling it out big time. Should I shower and get dressed? Or should I lay down next to Steve for a few minutes and close my eyes? The boys were busy watching TV. I could easily do either.
I totally caved. I lay down next to Steve and soon I was asleep - that super comfortable, super relaxing, nothing is achy or hurting sleep. Sooooo nice. I heard Steve get up. I really need to get up and go. But now I don't want to. I caved again. LAME. I didn't go to group. I slept. And slept. And slept.
I told Steve I would not beat myself up for not going to group. And I am not. I am beating myself up for allowing myself to go back to sleep. I knew better than to do that. Tomorrow I will find something to do to keep me occupied so I don't heed the siren call of the bed.
I didn't take a shower today. Or go to group. Or go on a walk. But I did make lunch for the kids. And I went outside with them to play in the sunshine. We were outside when Steve came home. We stayed outside and played tag and hide-and-seek. It was a really nice afternoon. We also cleaned the basement tonight. I enlisted the help of the kids so I wouldn't get frustrated cleaning up their mess. And they did a really good job! I was proud of them.
Tomorrow my aunt and uncle are coming for a visit. I have not seen them in a few years, and to be completely honest, I have been dreading the visit. It is just my social anxiety and the depression. I prefer to stay out of view when anyone comes to visit the house - I just feel awkward. But I don't think I can really hide from dinner. I will just be taking deep breaths and probably trying to keep myself scarce.