Need to Process
I have started sevral blogs in the past, only to just let them go over time. I think I've always been too specific in topic to maintain them as active blogs (my interests changed or there's only so much I can say about one thing). So I am not sure what the theme or focus of this blog should be, but I feel like I am exploding inside. I need a place to process; both the hard things in life and the sweet things. I guess the focus will be "me" and how I go through this life.
I am the mother of three children (K is days from 7 and she is both my delight and my grief each and every day; G is four and a half, she is a very energetic "wiggle-worm" that keeps me laughing and whincing -she is very accident prone; R is our baby boy who just turned one. I am not sure the role he will play, but it looks like he's going to be both a sweet cuddle bug and a monster of a handful).
My husband and I are just about to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary. We met the summer between our junior and senior high years and became an official couple in the spring of our senior year of high school. That was sixteen years ago. Where does the time go?
I have a college degree and though I am thankful I have one it mostly seems to mean that I have debt I might never be able to pay off...
I am a Christian (became a "believer" in 2003). I'm not currently an active leader, but have led Bible studies and such in the past. I have big ideas for special ministry projects I want to start, but I am sort of taking a leave of absence these days. I have had a couple of very hard years and I need to re-group; hopefully this blog will help serve that need.
I recently began homeschooling my girls and though I am not giving up, I must say I am finding it to be quite the up-hill battle most days. I am sure I'll write about homeschooling often.
I am quite unhappy in my life and this very fact angers me. Why can't I just dust myself off and get back to the life I know I am supposed to be living. I am the "go-getter" type that doesn't settle for ordinary and doesn't let "hard times" get me down. But the quiet undertone of sadness and lack of joy has only increased and grown louder the past few years and each day I seem to fail to do anything to change my depressing reality. I am finding my once "nothing can stop me" self to be a fragile basket case on too many days. I am overwhelmed and in need of rescue. This is why I have decided to blog tonight.
I had a rough day and I just don't want to keep this bottled up inside anymore. When I do, I find I have rage and extreme mood swings that leave me more and more empty. I am currently suffering from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder-PTSD and Postpartum Depression -PPD. No fun, I tell you! I will write more about it in future posts, but I will briefly say I had a very awful pregnancy that left me mentally and physically worn very thin, resulting in PTSD on top of my typical PPD (I suffered all 9 months from a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum -HG, which is like the worst stomach bug you have ever had, times 10 -every moment of every day!!!)
I am not sure what goals I will have in writing this blog, but besides just more formally processing my thoughts and feelings, I think it will be a great gift to others. I know how much I appreciate reading about others' struggles; it is so nice to know I am not the only one having a hard time. A lot of my struggles have left me feeling very alienated and I hope by reaching out through the Internet I might feel a bit more connected and possibly if someone is reading this, I'll be helping them to feel less alone too.