Depression knocks again

I really don't know what makes it happen.  It just hit last week.Crippling anxiety.  Tears.  Depression.  Rolling on and on and on.I feel lost.  I feel afloat.  I feel as if I can't put my feet down.I'm depressed.I've had a rough two years -- loss of my dad and loss of my marriage.But?  I lived.  I made it through.Things are back on track.  Work is hard.  Single mothering is hard.  Balance is is hard.  I'm not the only one with stress....more
manifatso It IS an achievement.....more

Finding me

I try to remember who I was before……Before marriage/kids/this life.I do remember, on my wedding day, I had anxiety.  About what, you ask?  Living with another person.  Having them in the same space with me….all the time.  THAT was what I was scared of that day.  No longer getting to be alone.  Can you imagine?  But it’s true…..I hadn’t had a roommate.  Nor lived in a dorm.  I lived at home for college, then moved into an apartment in a new city.Alone.  And I liked alone.  I was ok alone.  I enjoyed alone....more
I LOVE alone. I often consider just taking my computer and a few books to a local motel just to ...more

I wonder

I wonder sometimes. A lot of the time. About stuff……(odd).I wonder….....more

I'm not "this" mom....I'm "that" mom

Back to school.Back to routine.Back to seeing other moms.Back to reading everything from my mom friends on Facebook.I’m not the perfect mom.I’m not a super mom.I’m not able to be at the school all the time mom.I’m not a hyper-organized mom.I’m not a June Cleaver mom.I’m not a homework loving mom.I’m not a fundraiser loving mom.I’m not a good cook of a mom.I’m not a spotless housecleaning mom.I’m not “this” mom....more
My gosh, we sound so similar in our momming personalities. I'm that mom that avoids the PTA ...more

I don't know how I did clue

It’s almost been 2 years, since I lost my daddy.2 years.It feels like 2 days.  Most of the time.  Others?  A lifetime ago……I go back and read my posts.  My blog.  My tweets.How the crap did I do that?How?I’m serious.  How?Working at the hospitalStaying at the hospital overnightTalking to doctorsTrying to manage all the medicinesMaking him eatHelping my familyManaging the testsScared out of my damn mind.  Barely keeping my head above water.How?I got no clue....more

Middle School

My oldest is going to middle school.What the WHAT?Middle.  School.We did registration.  He has all his supplies.  He was VERY particular regarding his backpack.  He wants to be in the band.  He looked "slightly" pale at all the discussions at the school.  He stared at his schedule.  He looked for kids he knew at the registration.  Hands in his pockets.  Taking it all in.He's in middle school....more
They grow up so fast! This is an interesting stage because they are developing a more broader ...more

My New Normal

I’m still here…I think this is the longest break I’ve had from blogging.Wasn’t intentional.  Nor lazy.  Nor anything.Just didn’t write.I didn’t forget — I jotted down a half a dozen things to write about…then?blankstaring at the blinking cursorblankNot sure why.  Tried to figure it out.  Then?I let it go……me?Yep, I let it go.  Not my normal……...more

6 years

6 years.  He has spent 6 years in elementary school.  He went in as a little boy.  Scared to go to "big school".  Shy.  Not sure about it all.  About all those rules.  And writing.  And learning.And now?He graduated 5th grade.HE GRADUATED 5TH GRADE!I didn't embarrass him by crying.  I 'might' have passed a tear, but kept it under wraps.This kid is generous, kind, witty.He's a scientist, thinker, dreamer.He complains about the things he has NO interest in.  Repeatedly....more

I'm a Mom

Happy Mother’s Day. To everyone that is a mom, helps mom, fills in for the mom…….all of you.I’m a mom.  I have two awesome wild redheaded boys.  They are a joy, a pain the the ass but the greatest thing I’ll ever do.  Ever try.I’m not the perfect mom.  Or the super mom.  Or the best mom.I’m just a mom....more

Have it All? Negative

I was thinking about the commentary:Women can have it all....marriage/kids/career.ALL.  (Not sure I understand the "all" statement)Not really....I mean, you can "have" it.  Yes.But can you manage it?Me?  I don't see me managing it all well.  All aspects.....even good most of the time.Now, I've dropped the "marriage" qualifier.  That's honestly not a huge change in the "have it all" discussion.  It's hard.  Period.  And I appreciate those of you that it isn't hard to do it all.  ...more