The Most Honest Babysitter Checklist You Will Ever Need

[Tweet "The most honest babysitter checklist you will ever need"]I have never hired a babysitter. Occasionally, I will plead insanity and convince my mother-in-law to take my children for a few hours so that I can drag my poor exhausted husband out for a date night. This is a rare event for a variety of reasons, but mainly because something about being at the grandparents’ house gives my children a false sense of freedom from civility....more

Moms Gone Wild

[Tweet "Moms Gone Wild...In The Most Relaxed Way Possible"]...more

Parents, do you suffer from this awkward problem too?

This is how phone calls happen in my house now.Me: Hey, kiddo, Mommy needs to make a quick phone call so don’t interrupt, K?Kiddo: Uh…yup. Ok, Mom.Me: Ok, here I go…making my phone call…so…don’t interrupt…remember that…K?Kiddo: not listening(74 seconds later)Me: dialing…...more

The Jaw Dropping Way This Preschooler Stood Up To A Bully

As a mom, I am always correcting my son’s behavior in an effort to mold him into a well-mannered person. My kid is forever catching some fresh hell for committing run-of-the-mill kid crimes. It isn’t enough for me that he follows the rules. I want the boundaries I create to help him develop confidence and self-respect. Like any mom, I want my son to be a decent kid.And so I am constantly saying things like this:...more

7 Dumb Parenting Decisions That Seemed Like A Great Idea At The Time

  I do not care what anyone tells you, no parent anywhere has an ever-loving clue what the hell he or she is doing at any given time. Decent parents will approach every decision they make with respectable intentions while crossing their fingers that the grand plan in their heads work out.And most of the time those plans do work out for the best.But sometimes, we make epically dumb decisions that on the face seemed like a good idea at the time. I know I have. In fact, I can think of 7 of them right now.1) Pavlov’s Mom...more

The Universal Truth of Motherhood

 This morning I did it. I lost my cool and whisper-screamed, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IN THIS DAMN HOUSE?!I didn’t mean to do it. In fact, right after my blast of sour accusation I immediately felt the weight of guilt sucker punching my muffin top. The worst part of all was that my peaceful sanctuary was ruined.Rewind 15 minutes....more

5 Things Only Parents Of Boys Will Understand

Catchy title, huh? I have no idea what it is like to raise girls. Who knows, maybe they really are easier until the teen years like everyone tells me. Or maybe girls are exactly the same level of absurdity that boys are....more

The Moment I Stopped Caring About My Weight

In college I was a svelte 130 pounds. I could wear anything and look like a waif. I could eat buckets of ice cream or live on black coffee and cigarettes, it didn’t matter because my weight was seemingly never more than an ounce over 130 lbs. Life was pretty good.And then I got mortgaged to my long-term boyfriend. Add 10 lbs.And then I got pregnant. Add another 10 lbs. once the post pregnancy weight finally evened out.And then I got married to the long-term boyfriend....more

A Letter of Expectations to My Future Daughter-In-Law

Today Loud Child sat in my lap and told me stories about all of his favorite things. He played with my hair. He sang me a song. He gave me hugs and he kissed my forehead. This was a remarkably affectionate occasion for my son who is currently going through a Mom-Is-Pure-Evil phase. I sat there in the grass feeling warm and fuzzy mom feelings until this thought came crashing through my head: Some hussy will one day ruin my sweet boy. ...more
I just wrote a post about trolls, and a lot of comments from this post are featured in it (with ...more

A Lobster Nearly Killed Me

Alright. Fine. I’m exaggerating a little bit. I did not nearly die by the claw of a lobster. Although, for a minute there, it sure seemed like I might.Yesterday was my mother-in-law’s birthday. For the record, she turned 49.[1] To celebrate her birthday (which is usually a week or month long depending on the year) the family got together for an old-fashioned backyard Maine lobster dinner. Someone brought potato salad. Someone else brought lobsters. I brought wine and chocolate....more