Because he'll never leave.

I read an article today about a man who watched as his wife slowly died of cancer. In the piece, which is really remarkable both for it's laid-bare description of her illness and of his reaction to the loss, he discussed her anger. Her lashing out in frustration and confusion, and how she directed her anger towards him because, his friend told him, "She lashes out at you because she knows you'll stay."Because I am able to make almost anything about me, narcissist that I am, I read that line and immediately felt this tremendous wave of guilt ....more

Just when you thought you knew me.

I was going to title this post "Epilogue" but the idea of this being the end was too unnerving.I mean, really. I am not going to close the door and turn the key and then walk away forever. You know I could never do that ....more

Talking about Adoption - a basic primer

I had an interesting experience recently, answering a child's questions about adoption.It occurred to me that your child (or you yourself) might also have questions about adoption. Questions are good! But sometimes children are not equipped to give the answers, or are not ready to discuss their own adoption ....more

Lucy turns ten

You all know the story by now (...more

My Love/Hate relationship with Children's Museums.

Let's just be honest.I don't play.I'm not the mom lying on the floor building a huge block tower (bad knees) or organizing a massive art project (big mess) or baking 100 cupcakes (takes too long) or out riding bikes or playing tag or - good lord no - going on a family hike.I like my kids, I want them to be happy, I make sure they can do all of these fabulous things - just not with me.Is that wrong? It's okay. I don't mind being wrong ....more

Giving in and giving up

This used to be a fun place. Stories about derby, family fights in Walmart, peeing or not peeing in the bushes next to the valet stand..... Ah, we have had some good times.But the last few years this journal of mine has become downright depressing ....more

2 under 1: Remembering to put on a bra is good enough for now

Hi there.For the last month I have written so many posts in my head during middle of the night feedings, only to have them erased when I wake up in the morning. Actually it feels like every thought in my head meets the same fate these days. I am trying, man ....more

I could have said no.

I could have said no. I know this.Ella was asleep in the backseat as I drove her resolutely to her grandmother.I knew she was going to be gone all weekend.I was preparing myself for her to be gone forever.I hoped we might get one more night with her before the final transfer.And then my phone rang.He had a baby for me. For Christmas ....more

The Unwinding

A huge part of life as a foster child is spent in the car, being driven to various appointments, visits and checkups.And through it all, you have to leave them with strangers, watch strangers take them and walk away from you. And it is difficult, of course.You get used to it.Because it is always in the back of your mind, that someday they will leave in the back seat of a stranger's car... and they won't come back ....more

Hold Your Fire

starlight.com Save it.Save your outrage. Keep it with you. Nurture it ....more