For Better or For Worse, I'm Standing By My Man
I was insulted that after all these years he still thought this of me. As if my only quest was to open my legs to any man that came my way. I felt dirty. I thought, "I'm a mother a wife, not a tramp." and I questioned why he felt this of me. He confessed that he stopped taking me out so no one could look at me. He admitted he didn't know why he was the way he was. My protective bubble just popped and there I was exposed to all the anger that had manifested into hurt and I couldn't breathe.
My bubble made it so I didn't recognize the signs. His constant phone calls, and if I didn't answer he'd call my friends, co-workers, even my boss while I was working. The silent treatments after I'd come home from modeling, the questioning of why I smiled at the waiter like that. "Is that the kind of man you want?"questions, the tantrums, the pulling me out of the bar scenes, or wedding parties. Suddenly, I went from saying what was on my mind to thinking before I spoke most times, looking at him assuring him with my eyes that I'm not up to anything. All the signs were there for all this time and it angered me because this wasn't in my plan. How could I be so blind? And with approaching the big 4-0, how was I going to get that part of my life back? I wasn't.
I love my husband and took my vows seriously even though our wedding was small and wasn't held in a church. I stood before God and was thankful for the blessing that stood before me. He is a man with a great heart and I know he is seeking ways to understand his actions and trying to be a better husband. His past, as well as my past, had us both in a bubble trying to protect our insecurities. Mine from physical, mental, and emotional abuse from my family and, after all of these years, he confessed his upbringing which has similarities to mine. Unlike me, who has been through many therapists to get my mind right, he hadn't been through any type of therapy.
So now during my confused unhappy happiness, I feel it is my duty as his wife to stand by him, reluctantly forgive him for now (something I need to work on), and pray that he can release the pressure of what's holding him hostage. My bubble is gone though. It wasn't protecting anything at all; it was only masking my life. I am in control once again like I should be. I laugh out loud, I say what I want the way I want to say it, I am secure with who I am, and I trust myself. I am alert and aware of my surroundings and even though I am supportive of my husband and his journey, he knows he doesn't get anymore hall passes for upsetting behaivor. I know many women will frown at my decision to stay, but I know I am not in any harm, and I see him want to change and make those changes. If you are seeking for someone to change and they constantly show you otherwise then it is not worth your time, but if someone admits and shows progress, then it means they do care and they are worth working things out.