MY HUSBAND DOESN'T WANT TO GIVE ME ORAL SEX
Q. My husband doesn't like to eat me out. He loves being sucked off, but won't return the favor. We've been together three years, and I've put up with it because I accepted his sexual boundaries. I thought that was the right thing to do. Now I'm growing rebellious.
So I confronted him, and asked him why. He said he doesn't like the look, smell and taste of pussy, never has. He just likes being inside me.
Wow. Why didn't I know this? And what do you do with a guy who has a negative response to your vulva - but sticks it in to get off? Because I just don't think I can take feeling this undesirable, and I thought we'd be together forever, love each other forever. Can he even really love me if he feels this way?
Would you accept this in a lover, someone you love but who feels this way? Should I just accept his limitations, take what he gives, and masturbate to have good sex?
A. Charlotta, you’re asking questions only you can answer, and I’m glad you’re asking them. And I’m glad you have the perspective to recognize that this is his issue. You DO deserve to have a partner who loves and appreciates your lovely vulva, and this situation you’re in is very tough.
Question: will he go into counseling with you? I think it could be very helpful. Because there seems to be an impasse here that needs addressing. I don’t think it will go away, unless you can convince yourself to go back to sleep. And life is too short to sleep away, girlfriend. You’re awakened feelings about his feelings are vital and healthy.
As for his aversion, it's hard to tackle it without specifics. Is it the scent, taste, or the look of your genitals? Does he believe female genitals are dirty? (Or is he just lazy and selfish?) If you know the what, the way to deal with it may clarify. It could be something as basic as hygiene - or as serious as a sex-negative attitude.
As for whether he can love you and feel this way, certainly he might. His general feelings about women’s vulvas don’t preclude love, they just make a sexual relationship a whole lot more difficult and potentially unsatisfying for you. The most important concern here is that his negative feelings don’t make you have negative feelings about yourself, or hurt you in any way.
What if he won’t change? Then it’s up to you whether or not to accept his limitations. You can:
1. Decide he gives you enough of the other things you need to continue an exclusive sexual relationship, and build the other aspects of both your joint and solo sex life;
2. See multiple partners: or
3. Become friends and eventually move on to a new lover entirely.
You have options. Take your time considering them, but don’t let this go on unresolved indefinitely. While you’re considering them, look at our Communication Page and see if it offers you any help in opening up a dialogue with him. Whatever you ultimately decide, if you can communicate about it honestly with each other, you stand a good chance of becoming closer, whether it’s as lovers or good friends.
Shain Stodt is the founder and author of Informed About Sex. Shain maintains a flourishing question and answer column, a quick-response posting page, authors a large number of features and articles on Informed About Sex and writes regularly for BlogHer, as well as other social media sites. A Sex Educator certified by the Institute For The Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, she has worked in the field of sexuality since 1972 when she began working with the Abortion and Birth Control Outreach Project at The New York Women's Center in Chelsea. Shain has lectured on Sexuality in the New York City public school system, given numerous workshops on sexuality for women's organizations, and hosted a program on women and sexuality on New York City's public access television station. She has been featured on Native Out, Occupy Menstruation and other social media sites, and moderates the Facebook page Radical Women Talk Sex. Shain lives in North Carolina, where she speaks, writes, consults, and advocates passionately for progressive sex education.
She can be contacted for professional engagements at: firstname.lastname@example.org