Lost in Loneliness and Betrayal
Should be the season for joy, love, and celebration. I have my four children with me to celebrate, and we have been blessed manifold, by friends and others surrounding us. However, on the eve of Christmas, I have pools of tears to share, feeling alone and feeling betrayed. It certainly doesn't help that the children spoke with their father on Skype, and he has been up to the usual antics of purchasing their love: buying a rabbit (and telling them they can only spend time with the beloved new pet if they go to his place), laying out a bunch of wrapped presents (that did not come from him but his mom; never mind the fact that I was kind enough to pass along some ideas for gifts) and telling them they needed to go to his place to open and enjoy the presents. . . The icing on the cake for a punch in the gut was him telling the children that come January they will be spending plenty more time with him and that I have had my time.
So, let me see, all the ugliness (wonderful sophist lies) that he dished out in the divorce process was quite convincing to the untrained, naive ear. But then, as his records started surfacing and the truth started coming out, then people started shifting their views. How does he intend on moving beyond supervised visitations? Does he intend on spreading more lies about me and doing more crap?! My attorney and I have filed contempt, on NINE counts, because he refuses to cooperate; we go to court next month. What kind of tricks does he plan to pull out of his pocket?
I am not preventing him from seeing the children (well, he has only really ever recognized the older two; he doesn't buy presents for the younger two - not for their birthdays and not for Christmas), even when he hasn't kept up with agreement in Permanent Orders, not bothering to dot every 'i' and cross every 't.'
What bothers me most is that he is doing this, not to spend more 'quality time' with the children (which involves sitting them in front of a television and feeding them junk food), but rather, out of spite against me. I would lay down my life for my children. I cried as I took the eldest into surgery, and held her against her will, twice (for two surgeries), as the anesthesiologist put her under; this was necessary to save her vision. Not once has he ever inquired how her vision is doing. From what I can gather, his verbal interactions are meaningless, not ever inquiring out more about their well being. His one and only interest is: how to bribe them.
I work hard every single day, as a single mom of four. My day starts at 4 or 4:30, the time when the twins think the world should be conquered. And my day doesn't end until the fat lady sings. I have so much to get done in any given day, that productive, successful friends are tired just hearing about what I get done during part of any given day. Yet, he has the audacity to take me to the cleaners. And for what? Lies and deceit? and vengeance!
But, I should not be surprised, I suppose. This world is in no short supply of lies and deceit. But, the stab really is the fact that this belligerence is coming from someone who, at one time, promised to love me for better and for worse and from someone with whom I had shared things I had shared with no one else.
I know that Jesus is well acquainted with betrayal, even from his own inner circle - amongst his disciples. On the eve of the anniversary celebration of his birth, I need to remember that I am not really alone. He knows suffering, despair, and betrayal, all while choking back tears.