The Heart Wants What It Wants, Even When It Hurts
When we tried this a couple of months ago, the inevitable happened. The conversations slowed, the communication stalled and we drifted back in opposite directions, but today was different. I had to prove something to myself. “I miss you,” spilled from my fingers and as I received the return response, I didn’t feel for him what I’d always felt. That deep desire to want him to want me was tempered by the fact that I let go the last time. I unraveled the tendrils of love from my heart, wrapped its preciousness back in protective bubble wrap, refused to get in the roller coaster seat and I watched dispassionately as his reply blinked onto the screen. He was sitting there alone on the roller coaster, his hand searching for my own, but I wasn’t even there.
Losing to Win
The little girl in me watched the little boy pull out of the station and go down the tracks. In those few months we were apart, I raised the little girl inside of me working with her until she matured into a grown woman. I put away childish things like emotional roller coasters, relationships that are imbalanced, text messages when there could be conversations, sleep-overs with more overs (bend over, turn over) than sleep.
He and I are no longer riding the roller coaster together because in that space between 3-4 word text messages, broken promises, lunch dates that never happened and I-was-coming-down-there-to-see-you apologies, I made a choice. I made the choice to stop confusing little girl fantasies and desires with a grown woman’s requirements.
I walked away with the full confidence of a woman who has a man waiting. He appreciates my thoughtfulness, the time I set aside to spend with him and the dedication I put into the relationship. It’s not a facsimile of the real thing. It is that real thing and when we’re on roller coaster rides together, I make sure we sit in the back row, so nothing can climb in behind us, like regret or the tiny fissures of heartbreak. I took one last look back at the boy on the coaster, his hand empty and waiting and I am sad for him. I wonder if he will ever be brave enough to step away from the roller coaster, experience real love and give it in return.
Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do to turn everything around and finally move on? Have you moved on or are you still on that emotional roller coaster...?
Note: This blog was written by Jaha Knight.