It’s 3 a.m….What Do You Hear Outside of Your Window?

It’s 3 a.m….What Do You Hear Outside of Your Window?

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When you live in New York City, you know not to expect to enjoy the bliss that is quiet very often. In fact, silence is almost a rarity, whether it is at 3 in the afternoon or 3 a.m. In my New York City building, there are a mix of families along with groups of partying college kids that live here. And in the very early morning hours of the weekend, while the families are nestled all snug in their beds, the college kids are just arriving home from the bars at 3 a.m. So, every Saturday and Sunday in the early morning hours I am awaken from my slumber by a slew of drunkards, which is no fun when you are middle aged, stone cold sober and have not been partying yourself.

That said, the conversations that I hear outside of my window at 3 a.m. usually involve one of three groups of college kids:

1) The happy crowd

2) The pissed and annoyed party poopers

3) The criers and blubberers

Now, you may wonder which of these three groups is the most likely to make me want to stab myself in the eye with a sharp object on any given Saturday or Sunday at 3 a.m? Well, let me tell you, each category and grouping of drunken fool that I listed above has its own pros and cons. So, grab your popcorn and join me for an intriguing analysis of the habits of my young drunken neighbors.

First off, let’s discuss “the happy crowd.” This group arrives at my building laughing, singing and yelling about what a unbelievably “fan-fucking-tastic” evening that they had. This usually involves a crowd of shitfaced college kids who are coming home from the bars arm in arm, while laughing and yelling over one another in eardrum bursting decibels. They are usually screaming about such important topics as: who got the most numbers, who is the most fucked up, and who made the biggest jackass of themselves at the bar.

Now, at some point, one of the group members almost always breaks into song. Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” or Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer” seem to be particularly popular with this crowd, but whatever the song, it is always extremely high pitched and with half of the verses being jumbled and nonsensical. Cue in different songs and even more off key singing, which is only to be interrupted by a few loud burps, and more laughing. This group usually convenes right outside of my building because, before they can enter, one or more of them has to puke, piss, or catcall some of the girls they see walking across the street who are also coming home from the bars.

If I must listen to drunken people at 3 a.m., I highly prefer this group because of their entertainment value. After all, at least their shouting is happy and their drunken ramblings are rather hilarious and jovial. The biggest con regarding this group, however, is that their off key singing usually sounds worse than the tormented primal screeches of an animal in heat. And, even though I give them points for puking and pissing outdoors, instead of inside the building in the stairwell, listening to them blow chunks right outside of my window is a rather annoying and disgusting sound to endure in the wee hours of the early morning.

The second group of the 3 a.m. party crowd is one that I dub “the pissed and annoyed group.” This usually occurs in a group of three people, probably because someone in the group became resentful that they felt like a third wheel all evening. This group can involve an arguing couple and the unfortunate friend who tagged along with them. Or it can involve groups of three girls bitching at each other over hurt feelings or a group of three guys in a dispute over who is a bigger dick or who failed in their duties as a wingman. In this group, I typically hear a lot of friendship ending threats. There’s also a lot of f-bombs dropped along with other creative profanity laced insults usually calling the other person some derogatory and graphic term of the female or male genitalia.  Without fail, this group always tends to stop to hash out their arguments, by yelling, cursing, bitching and airing out their grievances with each other right under my window. The pro of the “pissed and annoying” group of partiers is that during their nasty screaming fits you can get a pretty detailed recap, play by play, of exactly what went wrong during their night out at the bar. If you have no life like I do as a boring stay at home mom, then this can be rather riveting.

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