If anyone asks, I'm a pole dancer. That way, when they find out the truth, they'll be far less disappointed.
Even when I had a real "job," I didn't like talking about it, especially since I hated what I did for a living. So a few months back, when a strange woman walked up and asked me what it is that I DO, I found myself turning seven shades of annoyed and giving her everything I could, except for a straight answer. "What do you mean, what do I DO?"
Her: "Do you work? I mean... I'm assuming you're a stay-at-home mom?"
Me: *Balling fists* "I work."
Her: "Oh! What is it that you DO... If you don't mind my asking?"
Me: *Cringe* "I had my own business for twelve years, but I closed it last year."
Her: "Oh Really?! And what was THAT... If you don't mind my asking?"
Me: *Fake chuckle* "I owned a marketing company."
Her: "Oh... I see... So you're a consultant!"
Her: "I'm confused. Then what is it that you DO do... If you don't mind my asking?"
Me: *Restraining right fist* "I write."
Her: "Oh... You write! So that must be what you went to school for. Are you a Journalist?"
Her: "Oh, so you freelance! Who exactly do you write for? What publication?"
Her: "None? Then, who is it that you write FOR... If you don't mind my asking?"
Me: "Whoever wants to read it."
Her: *Forced smile* *Uncomfortable pause* "What is it you write about?"
Me: "Whatever I want."
Her: *Gives up* *Turns to friend* "So what is it that YOU do?"
We laughed about it later, and the fact that neither of us cared enough to return the dramatic favor, made it all worthwhile. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little curious; I mean, she must've have had a very important job to be that concerned with ours, right? I'm thinking CIA Operative or an Interrogator for the Secret Service? Nope! Turns out she's a stay-at-home mom that does some occasional work for her husband's consultant business.
People are funny, especially the self-righteous ones with such paramount lives. I guess if they weren't so busy judging everyone else, they might actually enjoy the irony of their own ridiculous behavior. Why the hell not? It's way better than cable and far more unbelievable than anything you'll ever see on Bravo. Best of all, they can HEAR when you say, “You’re an idiot!”