I Was Crazy About My Ex-Husband

I Was Crazy About My Ex-Husband

Did he have good qualities? Only by the truckload. He was kindness personified, loved dogs, was well-read, honest, loaned money to my deadbeat friends, knew millions of jokes and once spent half a day speaking only in words that began with the letter “F” — “Forsooth, fastly find friend foodstuffs for feasting.” I tried to get him while he read the paper: “What news today, F Man?” “Facile fiduciaries fraudulently ferret funds,” he said, after just a few seconds.

He danced like Walter Brennan and could talk just like Pepe Le Pew, took magic lessons from The Great Zovello and when he messed up a trick would look you straight in the eye and say, “You did it wrong.”

But everyone changes and life moves on. One day, when I was complaining about some minor ache or pain, he said, “Maybe it's a tumor.” And that was the beginning of the end. He said I never dusted. I accused him of nagging. But for the most part, I honestly don't have any complaints against the way it ended. Unbeknownst to either of us, whatever civility we failed to demonstrate during our marriage blossomed forth just in time for our divorce.

“You take the dining room set,” he said. “I won't hear another word about it.”

“It's yours,” I parried. “You have the bigger dining room.”

“You can't have too many cheeseboards,” he said.

“Yes you can, you miserable …” I said and paused for a moment to look in his eyes. “Thank you very much for the four cheese boards.”

These days we don't talk very often, maybe a few times a year. We have to watch out because we get along too well and that confuses people. We definitely don't want to be married again or anything, but I dunno … every year around his birthday, I still have a nearly uncontrollable urge to send him a cheese board, and to hear a few well chosen F words.

Originally posted on Purple Clover

More From Purple Clover

Related Posts

I Went On a Blind Date with My Husband and It Was HOT

Never let it be said that you can’t teach old dogs new tricks. At 54 and 49 respectively, Henry and I have been married 14 years, together for 17. I know the map of his body as well as my own. His flat feet kept him out of the service. The large black mole on his right shoulder blade must be removed whether it’s cancerous or not. His luxuriously furred, muscular chest is his sexiest feature. His nose is shy, leaning to the right as if it would prefer to go unnoticed.   Read more >

Life In L.A.: Celebrities Are No Big Deal, Unless We're Talking Nicolas Cage

When you live in Los Angeles, you run into celebrities all the time. Of course, your definition of “celebrity” may differ from mine. The first month I was there, I saw the woman who’d played Mrs. Godsey on "The Waltons." She was in line at the post office. I ran back to work, beside myself. “I just saw Mrs. Godsey!” I screeched at everyone.   Read more >

I Really Owe My Curly Hair an Apology

Dear Luisa's Hair, This is a letter of apology for all the terrible things I’ve done to you—starting when I was a teenager. I blame the beginning of my cruelty on "The Dick Van Dyke Show." I watched it on Nick at Nite and was entranced by Mary Tyler Moore’s smooth, perfect flip. You were kind of the opposite: super-curly and super-unruly. But I’d never had a problem with you before I laid eyes on Laura Petrie. Suddenly, I wanted my hair to look like hers. I started innocently enough, with rollers to flatten out the curl. Then I graduated to blowouts.   Read more >


In order to comment on BlogHer.com, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.