I miss my Mum
My cousin is having a baby, it's her fourth, she has three boys, this one is a girl. Due in November, I found out about it on Facebook yesterday.
My Aunt has moved house, I'm not sure when, she recently had a fall and is now in hospital awaiting surgery on a brain aneurism. It's tomorrow, or today in Australia. I am hoping it goes well. Found out about that by emailing another cousin whose news I used to know, but the regular information source has been missing for the last nine months.
Someone else has moved interstate, I'm not sure exactly where but they have bought a house and are renovating, she's an architect. Her mother and my mum were the closest of friends. They were high on the news rotation in our calls.
Despite how plugged in I am and remain to the online world, I don't know the back stories or the tidbits that fill in the gaps. I see the outlines and scraps on Facebook or a sentence in an email and I feel disconnected where before I felt connected to them and their story.
These are the conversations I miss with my mother, filling in the gaps.
The other day I went for a 'long run' in marathon training terms and it was hot, it was hard and I was probably a bit dehydrated at the end. I collapsed on the front step and cried a bit because it was hard, because of the reasons I am training for the marathon, because I miss my Mum.
My six year old daughter appeared
'What are you crying about?'
'I was thinking about Mumma and how I miss her'
'Oh, are you still going on about that? That was months ago!'
We'll leave the empathy lesson for later, I know that's how the world sees it as well, she was only speaking the truth. It still hurt.
We have new neighbours Mum would love, she would want to know that some of our regular Thursday night drinks crew on the street corner have moved on and the people who bought their house have a daughter in my daughter's class at school. Because she came to stay last summer for three months she would be able to picture the people and the houses I am talking about and she would have questions and comments aplenty. The new school year has started, she would want to know about classes and friends and coping skills.
I went to BlogHer recently in Chicago. I was looking for my tribe. I'm not sure what I found but I did love the conference, the city and the people I met. One of the speakers was Sheryl Sandberg, I am a bit of a fan girl. When she spoke she pitched the whole thing perfectly to her audience, as you would expect a speaker of her experience to do. Before she spoke she spent time in the audience meeting and greeting some people and learning their stories, then she used, with their permission, those stories in her speech.
Many people spoke of how they admired her approaching it that way and found it impressive. I found her a great speaker, but I guess I expected that she would do that. That was Terrie Baxter to a T, it was how she did it, her role as the International President of a Public Speaking organisation may have had something to do with it, but it is the standard I expect.
There are so many things in my every day life that remind me of Mum and they are hard. Lately I have been thinking about them, a lot. My relationships with my other family members, my father, my mother in law and even my brother have suffered in the last nine months as I try to adjust to this change in my life. I will get there, I think I just need a moment or two to pause and collect myself, or another one...
Recently a special friend sent me a message
I thought of you today sweet, as I often do. You need to get Gold Dust, the ministry of sound version, to run to. If uninspired, it's a fab song. Hope all is ok, from personal experience, this is when I found losing Mum really, really hard. Hope you are doing ok sweetie, I really am thinking of you often.
Haven't got the song yet but the rest of it is spot on.