I May Be Living Someone Else's Life
"Depression is the inability to construct a future." - Rollo May
For awhile now, I have "the sads." I call it that because I don't feel suicidal or that I don't want to live. I just don't want to live my life. That's why I chose the quote that I did above. For too long now, I feel as if I've been living in someone else's life. Walking in someone else's shoes. I've never wanted to be a teacher, yet I am one. I have been one for 13 years. That's the life I've been living. And I've been doing a great job at living this other person's life. I've won awards. I've been recognized for excellence. I do a great job in this life. It's just not my life.
When I was younger, I was able to picture exactly what I wanted. I knew what my life would look like. Or at least what it would feel like. And for awhile, it did. In my late twenties and early thirties, my life was going more in the direction that I had pictured. Then somewhere around 34 or 35, it's as if I got caught up living this other person's life. I lost my own. And now, I'm living this life that I don't even recognize.
Since August I've felt sad. I cry. Often. I cry over stupid stuff. I cry a lot. For awhile I tried to figure out why. Was it because two of my friends got moved to a different building and were no longer teaching across the hall from me? Was it because I was having 4-5 migraines a day? Was it because they found a small mass in my breast, even though it was benign? Was it because I finally admitted that I did not want to be a teacher? Was it the combination of it all? And even if it was just one of these many things, how am I supposed to decide which one and fix it?
Of course, I tackled the health problems first. Living with migraines 4-5 days a week is something that I don't wish on my worst enemy. And although they have gotten better, I still have headaches. They're down to about 3 a week now. That's better, right? And I just had my six month check up on my breast. It came back benign again so the doctor said to continue on a regular schedule of mammograms now.
But I still feel "the sads." My feelings get hurt a lot. When someone says something that I used to be able to brush off, I can't now. I take it personally. I want to sleep more. I want my life. I want the life I envisioned. But I can't seem to get out of this other person's life. I just wish this person would come back and take over so I could get on with mine.