I couldn’t sleep last night so instead I figured out the purpose of aging

I couldn’t sleep last night so instead I figured out the purpose of aging

Last night as I was lying in bed like an insomniacal fool (compliments of the hamster), the wheels started turning about the whole aging thing and how when you put it into context, it’s really a thankless process.

Why was I thinking about this instead of sleeping at 2 a.m.? I think it started when I went to turn over in my search for a cool spot on my bed (read: tropical moment) and pulled a muscle. You see what I mean? Things like that didn’t happen in my younger, more agile days.

You’re probably younger than me and have no idea what I’m talking about so let me fill you in.

The aging process

It begins with looking around and suddenly noticing that all the hot, eligible men have started calling you “m’am”.

Sadly, this awakens a village of realizations – yes, an ENTIRE village – mostly to do with the declining efficiencies of the body:

  • You notice that you can’t read anything smaller than a billboard.
  • Listening to more than one person talking at a time becomes confusing.
  • You begin to consciously tilt your head a little upwards to camouflage the appearance of sagging jowls.
  • Oh and speaking of SAGGING. Never mind. My dad reads this sometimes. But I will say this: Whatever is in the water these days certainly wasn’t there when I was developing.
  • Opening the fridge door becomes a trigger for trying to remember what the hell you wanted in the first place.
  • Your bladder morphs from a “holding container” to a sieve.
  • And you start dying your hair every other day – not to see if blonds really do have more fun but to hide the greys.

So far the only positive thing about aging is that suddenly you can say whatever you want out loud and no one holds it against you because . . . well, you’re old.

So what’s the purpose of aging?

Well, with your body on the decline you start avoiding mirrors at all cost, giving you time to think without vanity. Speaking from personal experience, this clears up most of your day.

Now instead of thinking about mascara-related topics, you find yourself pondering the meaning of life and reasons behind such things as aging.

Also, you begin to take things less for granted. Suddenly the little things mean so much, like staying home on a Saturday night or hand-drawn birthday cards and walks just for the hell of it.

So that, dear readers, was what I came up with last night while you were sleeping like a baby.

For tonight’s insomniacal fest, I’m thinking of conquering the mystery behind UFOs.


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