I Am No One's Vending Machine: The Issue With Misogyny and Sex As 'Payment'
I wanted to share this amazing post about the Isla Vista shootings and the killer's manifesto because it's so well written, but one statement really stood out for me:
"You’re not getting laid BECAUSE OF YOUR MISOGYNY... It’s because you think that we’re sex vending machines and if you feed in certain behaviours...you should get sex out."
I can't tell you how many men I've met that feel that way. Men that seem to think that if they follow the formula they saw in a movie or invented in their head that I should be automatically giving them their due. After all, they're a "nice guy"! Don't I like nice guys? Well then, I'm automatically a bitch because he's doing all the right things and I, therefore, owe him something for the effort.
And gentlemen, please don't think that just because you married somebody, you can slide back into vending machine mentality, either. Putting together that shoe closet doesn't entitle you to a trip to the sex vending machine. Neither does planting those rosebushes, giving a back rub, or taking the kids to the park so your wife can have an hour to herself.
If she's not doing similar little things like that for you, as well, then all the sex in the world won't make up for how put-upon you feel, nor will it heal what's wrong with your relationship. When you turn sex into payment for services, you turn her into a sack of masturbatory meat—and that's just how it feels. It really does. Like we could be anybody —faceless, personless —as long as you get what you think you're owed.
Sex, as my friend Jax put it so perfectly in the post, is not a ransom to be paid. You shouldn't expect it, and we shouldn't hold it over your head like you owe us pretty things to get us to confer it upon you (and yes, it sickens me to think there are women who treat it that way—believe me, most of us hate them, too). It is not currency, anywhere but on the streets, and it shouldn't be. Not there, not here, not anywhere.
I have many male friends and former boyfriends who don't think like that, thank God, but men, you cannot believe how prevalent the "vending machine" type thinking is among you. And we women can call you on it until the end of time, but it won't make as much of a difference as all of you calling each other on it. Until that kind of thinking gets the same look of distaste and an eyeroll from you that we give it, we'll still be getting treated like vending machines.