Hurry! Act Now! This Offer Won't Last!
Any chance I had at an inheritance has gone straight into David Venable’s pockets. Don’t know who David Venable is? He’s that hard-to-hate, always happy, seriously-quantities-are-limited host on QVC. I think he may even have a fan club. Thousands of lovely older ladies who tune in a couple times a week to see what he’s hawking. One of those lovely older persons happens to be Marge. I discovered just how often she tunes in the other day when I was looking for a box. Actually, I discovered two things the other day:
1) Marge might be a hoarder
2) Marge might like David Venable and QVC just a little too much
Let’s address #1: the hoarding. Marge doesn’t hoard in the true sense of the word. Mostly it’s just empty boxes. She seems unable to part with the boxes that the goodies from QVC come in. It’s like childhood revisited when the box is much more interesting than the actual gift inside. She stores the empties in her garage along with her four cases of bottled water and 40 rolls of toilet paper. My mother lives alone. Enough said.
I don’t know what she saves these boxes for though it’s a pretty impressive stash. UHaul might want to come take a look at the selection. Small, smaller, rectangular, deep, shallow. QVC sells it all so she has it all.
Which leads us to #2: too much QVC. Apparently, they now have a second channel. Those shows are ubiquitous. There’s HSN and shopNBC and The Shopping Channel. I’m sure there are more. Those are just the ones I’ve seen while flipping through the tv channels.
Recently, while in town visiting, Marge tried to pull me over to the dark side.
Marge: Wait a minute. You mean, you can just push “OK” on your remote and it automatically buys the item they are showing on tv? Let’s try it!
I’ll admit, it was tempting. I seem to have inherited the shopaholic gene myself, but I firmly told her no because I had already bought the Wolfgang Puck 8-in-one blender/chopper/processor/meat grinder….
Hey, don’t judge. It’s so easy to get sucked into the shop-at-home world.
David Venable: Folks, I’m being told. Wait (pressing his earpiece tight against his ear. Nodding. Nodding. Long pause for dramatic effect. We wait with baited breath.) Folks, I’m being told that we started the show with 84,000 of these collapsible shelves/vacuums/grills/robotic arms and that we are now down to 83,659. Folks, act now. They’re going fast. We’ve got this on 75 easy payments and I’ll tell you what: forget the shipping and handling. I’ll personally hand-deliver this must-have item to your door. Yep, that’s how much I think you are gonna love it!
Marge was wearing a cute pair of sandals the other day.
Me: Birkenstocks? Very fashionable, Mom. Where did you get them?
Marge: These? Aren’t they cute? Birkenstocks? No! I got them on QVC. Try them on. I love them. I can order you a pair. Do you want some? Will you give me the box they come in?
Okay, she didn’t really ask for the box, and it was very nice of her to offer to buy me a pair, and I was very tempted to say “yes”, but I stopped myself. That’s how it starts: First the 8-in-one blender/chopper/processor/meat grinder, followed by the 5-piece CorningWare set (I needed it!), and then the shoes. It is a slippery slope. Before long, I’d be begging for empty boxes on the side of the road.
Me: Brother, can you spare some cardboard? Not to make a sign, dummy. I need a 9 x 3 x 5 inch box for the collection I house in my garage. Next to my 60 rolls of paper towels.