He lifted me out of the pit of despair...out of the mud and the mire.
I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid groundand steadied me as I walked along.He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.--Psalm 40:1-3
It's been a few yrs since I posted anything, being so vulnerable was a bit scary and besides is anything truly anonymous. Who really reads this stuff and cares anyway. I have learned people are watching and I do not know who will be encouraged. So here I am again
I am to love my enemies, turn the other cheek, and forgive those who have harmed me. In obedience to God May 2011 I sent my mother a mother’s day card and got no response. I lost hope of ever being reunited with my nephews again and told god so. Hopelessness was new to me. No matter what I have been through hope was never lost. July 2011 I was reunited with some of my nephews and for a brief moment the other ones. I wish I can say we are living happily ever after but my mother and sisters have not changed. I learned forgiveness means living without resentment or ill feelings towards another. it allows me to be around my sister and mother. Gods love is unconditional. I learned unconditional love is an action not a feeling. It does not depend on how the other person treats me or how they feel about me. This is a painful lesson but I am able to love my nephews unconditionally I have laid them at the feet of Jesus..
I finally found a job after two years of looking. However I am unemployed once again due to medical concerns one of which was doctors thinking I had cancer. I still do not know what the mass was but it has disappeared. I am over my resentment of my degree not be worth the paper it is printed on. It does have value and it is worth the paper it is printed on.I am serving at my church and I am praying about a real job possibility. As of now I have no income. I am not as angry as I was before about applying for temporary assistance nor do I feel an urgency to do so. I am not as panicked about meeting their unrealistic demands. I believe it is called the peace which surpasses all understanding.
recently I had a difficult time with my PTSD, I retreated and sought solace in God and I am doing better. I now say I have a history of an eating disorder. In saying I am in recovery I felt it held me in bondage and Jesus has set me free from that bondage. Our church did get out of the pit by Beth Moore as a group, this allowed me to reveal another secret which I condemned myself for. I learned what there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus meant.
I tried online dating without much success. I am still committed to my purity pledge and feeling more at ease with my feminity. I figure God will take care of this. I am not going to miss my Romeo because of my own doing.
My 40’s has so not been my decade, things are not going on as planned. I realized I have been living in survival mode but those survival skills do not fair well in the land of the living. I learned I do not navigate well in the gray areas of life. I learned I want to live and not survive. I feel God is trying to make an introverted wallflower with a fear of social settings into this extroverted social butterfly with no fear that enjoys socializing.
Most importantly the light bulb went off. Doing’s God work and accomplishing his purpose is not about me and telling God what my plan is. I don't have to draft up a proposal and make this big presentation. how ridiculous am I?? How hilarious this is I think I know what is best for God. He knows what he is doing.I am doing the study by Henry Blackaby Experiencing God. This study as taught me Don't just do something stand there..God will reveal his purpose and his way so I could do his work and accomplish his purpose.
I am truly in the potter's hand and living wildly in victory...
By his grace therefore I go..