Having no business entertaining the mere possibility of becoming pregnant

Having no business entertaining the mere possibility of becoming pregnant

This afternoon, I found out from my best friend that she and her husband are expecting. It was an unplanned surprise. Their youngest child is 5 years old. They tried on multiple occasions, unsuccessfully, to have more. But, towards the end of next year, they will, Lord willing, add a third child to the family.

I do not know if it is that news or an inner itch, but (can I be candid, since I am posting under a pseudonym), there is a part of me that desires to be pregnant again. My youngest are 2 years old. My then-husband and I were not trying for more children. And yes, thank you very much, I do have some idea how children are made; and they were not accidents, in the strict sense of the term. An agreed upon, acceptable form of birth control was the issue. He was against using condoms, and I was not about to go back on the pill or to use some other form of birth control. Save the well-intended lectures for some other time, some other place, some other person, alright? I am not here to debate birth control choices/possibilities. Back to my story, we weren't trying for any more children. We had two children, and things were not peachy between us. Some consequences of his serious binge-drinking I-don't-have-a-problem alcoholism were drowning us, ranging from: him losing a very secure job, even after being given a second chance; him getting 2 DUI's; numerous ambulance rides to the ER for acute alcohol poisoning, just to state a few of the problems. The twin pregnancy was 'spontaneous'; we did not use any artificial means to assist me in getting pregnant and thereby having multiples. We were not trying (to have more children).

I know my current situation, of being a single mom of four pretty young children and other considerations, is not a good one for having more children. Furthermore, I don't think I will be getting pregnant by immaculate conception. Whoops, that was too much information.

However, I can dream a little dream, right? A dream that will not come into fruition. Please indulge me (I am a very responsible person, who has weathered more trying times recently and who just wants to dream at the moment). Each subsequent pregnancy (I have had three) became easier. With the first pregnancy, my body, comparatively speaking, felt like it took awhile to figure out how to grow a baby and how to adjust accordingly. With my (second) pregnancy with my second child, my body seemed to require fewer adjustments and appeared more accustomed to the baby-making business. My third pregnancy, with the twins, seemed, in some respects, to be the easiest of the three pregnancies, with the exception of the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy (I carried the twins to 38 1/2 weeks). Even when I felt like my bottom was about to fall out (Hey! I delivered two full-size, weight-of-singleton babies - 7 lbs, 9 oz and 6 lbs, 14 oz), I would still count that pregnancy as the easiest of the three. Today, I just want to dream a little dream about babies.

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