Granny Panties: A Love Story
I have been in full-on hibernation mode this January and February, leading me to dress very casually and practically, layering head to toe. The Great Indoors calls for a whole 'nother style ballgame. I dubbed this style approach "it's-OK-to-wear-your-pajamas-around-the-clock." For someone who loves to be stylish, I don't mind my slovenly winter months' uniform, just as long as I brush my hair and apply red lipstick. Mind you, I work from home so I feel I can get away with it.
Last week I came across a post on WhoWhatWear.com – a must-read to stay current on celebrity and fashion trends -- titled "What Do Your Pajamas Say About You?" Before I started reading, I was convinced there would not be an "I wear actual concert T-shirts from the 80s and granny underwear" category for pajama wear. But, s-u-r-p-r-i-s-e...there was a category for me!
#5 Vintage T-Shirt and Underwear
Here's how WhoWhatWear described the women in this category:
"You’re exhausted. You get home from a long day that included gridlock traffic, a masochistic spin class, and an aggressive email exchange with Larry from sales, and you can barely make it into bed, let alone coordinate a chic sleep outfit. Don’t worry, pal, we’ve all been there."
I concur. While I am not usually in gridlock traffic, but am answering e-mails all day, my idea of a spin class is spinning in circles in my wheelchair, screaming at the ceiling like in a scene from "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane." (Forward this video to the 2-minute mark to see what I am referring to.)
In this movie, actress Bette Davis serves a dead rat on a silver platter for her sister, Joan Crawford. Naturally, Joan loses her mind and starts spinning in circles in her wheelchair while screeching to the ceiling.
My own main reasons for spinning to the point of insanity are as follows:
- Will the coats that I salivate over go on sale and will they be in my size towards the end of the winter season?
- Will it stop snowing in March so I can get back to NYC with ease?
- Will American women keep leaving the house in track sets to show that they go from workout to workout without pause?
- Is it possible for suburban women to consider purchasing a handbag other than Coach (with repetitive humungous "C"s), Michael Kors (with its transparently aspirational wannabe gold logo), or the boringly ubiquitous status-seeking brown and mustard LV monogram bag? News flash: Louis Vuitton does make a varied and well-designed collection that doesn't broadcast status with its tired logo pattern.
WhoWhatWear envisions women in that category to wear A UCLA Heathered Vintage Joe T-shirt ($20) in Graphite and Urban Outfitters Daisy Love Boy Short
A UCLA Heathered Vintage Joe T-shirt ($20) in Graphite and Urban Outfitters Daisy Love Boy Short ($8.) images via WhoWhatWear post - written by Evelyn Crowley - 2/11/14
What was at one time a white T-shirt is now yellow with a portrait of comedienne Ruth Buzzi from the 1960s hit show, "Laugh-In". Ruth Buzzi's priceless expressions appeared to be as elastic as the stretch in my granny panties. Some people have t's with an image of an A-list celeb or Miley Cyrus or pithy one liners in all caps: "Unicorns are lame." I have had this T-shirt since 1991 when it was custom designed. Using an 8x10 movie glossy purchased at Movie Star News, which specializes in Hollywood memorabilia, and a T-shirt transfer technique, I was able to achieve my final result.
Don't be ashamed to wear an old, stained tee. (Yellow stains noted for your cursory glance by the large arrow graphics.) In the 90s I was convinced bleach causes cancer, so I have since stopped using it--thus the yellowing (marination) of my white garments. Today I use OxyClean, which so far has not caused asthma, loss of mobility, depression, or loss of vision. (Thank you Hattie, my Chihuahua --on the left--for your uncompensated appreciation of Ruth.)
If you have seen Ruth in action, watch this classic episode of her wearing a hair net, while beating up prize-winning boxer Muhammad Ali.
Now let's talk panties. Some women love thongs, lacy sexy ones or comfortable sports underwear. I like ones that are high-waisted like the pair worn by 1950s pin-up model Bettie Page. My leopard granny panties have more stretch than all the Abdominoplasties performed last year in Los Angeles. Unfortunately, mine are so roomy and misshapen, they resemble something an octogenarian would wear lanai-side in Florida. Expensive lingerie brand L'agent Provacateur can keep their $150 lace panties. I am going GRANDMA for a fraction of the hefty price tag.
My second-favorite nighttime tee: Zebra patterned panties (no pinching) and a Hollywood Babylon tee, which was taken from Kenneth Anger's book "Hollywood Babylon" with Jayne Mansfield and her famous, voluminous, natural, gorgeous unhindered cleavage.
I purchased this Hollywood Babylon T-shirt at a concert tee-punk rock shop at the Paramus Park Mall in New Jersey around 1989. I first saw this shirt worn by one of the members of the band The Butthole Surfers, and was obsessed with finding it. I love beautiful and iconic Old Hollywood actresses. And when I am on a mission to find something, I seek it nonstop until I find it. When I found this shirt in the store, I created a scene. Hence, the beautiful Jayne Mansfield is still against my bosom as I sleep.
I am pretty certain there is a legion of women who identify with me. So certain was I that I canvased 10 of my besties about what they wear to bed. Would you believe they wholly agreed with me? Track sets, sporty panties and old tees are the choices du jour. Just a few misfits preferred conservative flannel or silk PJs.
Whatever you wear at night, you should be comfortable. With more and more American women suffering from sleep disorders, toss out the Ambien and wear something that is not constrictive -- something sentimental, worn, and roomy that will lull you to sleep.
The lingerie industry wants women to wear lace and silk in order to feel sexy. For me, sexy is all in the mind. I feel sexy in granny panties that sit so high above my midriff they serve a dual purpose--underwear and bra in one.
This is my unwashed, gritty romantic "Ugly Doll"--and slumber counselor, McBacon Blue, wearing my leopard panties.
If you agree with this week's post, join me on my Twitter page and let's talk about a comfy existence as seen through the eyes of granny panty subscribers at #GrannyPantyMovement.