Feeling So Lost, When Will This Stop
So this is day 3 of him being gone... Day 3 and still not a word from him. He doesn't have a phone so I can't call him. I can't believe that all of this is happening right now. How can you ignore someone and put them through so much agony? Someone that you made vows with and promised to love? I mean, does he even think about me. I don't think he is. If he was thinking about me, then he would call, don't you think?
The day he left, it keeps running through my mind. There were no signs of anything being wrong. He made me breadfast in bed, put a blinker in my truck, we hung out as usual. He gave me a kiss and told me he loved me before I went to work. He told me he was staying at work late that night, so I didn't expect him to be there when I got there... But when I got home, I was getting ready to put a movie on and watch it with the kids. I noticed his ring on the table, but didn't think too much of it. Maybe he took it off to do something and forgot to put it back on. I thought that was a normal scenario. But then, I went into my room to get my pj's on and get comfy for the movie... Everything of his was GONE! No note, just a whole lot of nothingness. I went into the bathroom... His toothbrush, deodorant, razors, body wash, GONE. I still wasn't grasping the concept that he left me. My husband wouldn't possible do this to our family. Reality kicked in when I noticed his house keys on the bed... He had no intention of returning! I dropped to my knees and couldn't breathe for a minute trying to take everything in that had just happened. Meanwhile, my kids are looking at me like I'm crazy. I got up like nothing was wrong, and went about our night. They fell asleep... I stayed up, I couldn't sleep. I still haven't slept. I finally fell asleep for about 2 hours, and when I woke up and he wasn't in the bed, it hit me all over again. My husband left me, while I was gone, with no explaination, and no thinking about anybody but himself. I can't eat, I feel sick whenever I try. I think today all I ate was a half of a sandwich.
I just wish that the thoughts would just go away already. I'm driving myself insane trying to figure out why, but the truth is, I don't know how to react. I can't stay in bed and cry all day, that doesn't do any good, but I can't function normally. I don't want to be seen as a victom by people, I don't want to appear weak. I want everyone to quit calling me and asking me if I'm ok, because I just really don't want to talk about it, because I don't know what to think yet. I should be mad, upset, hurt, which I am, but I'm more confused than anything else. And if he does decide to call in a few months, should I even think about taking him back? The normal response would be "HELL NO", but I love him, even when I shouldn't. I shouldn't love someone who could easily hurt me so much. I don't know where he is or what he's doing. I don't know if there is someone else, but I don't think there is. I know that sounds stupid, but we work the same shift and are always together when we aren't at work. He's genuinly not the type to cheat because he is so family oriented. We've been married for over a year, but together foor 4 years, maybe he got overwhelmed by marraige and had to breathe. But I couldn't do that if I wanted to, so should I even allow him to have that excuse. He quit his job!!! I am just LOST. There, that's the word I'm looking for. I feel like a lost puppy, I don't have my companion, my friend, my lover. I need to try and get SOME sleep, I haven't slept for more than 2 hours at a time and no more than 4 hours a night, a couple hours here and there. Broken sleep is the worst sleep. I can't turn my mind off though... Wish me luck. Oh geez, I just noticed I can only get 4 hours of sleep cause I have to get the kids up for school... Hopefully this weekend when I don't have to work I can catch up. I keep playing Toby Keith "He Ain't Worth Missing" to try to convince myself to stop obsessing over this, so hopefully, eventually it will sink in.