Dear "Nice Guy," You May Not Be As Nice As You Think You Are

Dear "Nice Guy," You May Not Be As Nice As You Think You Are

Am I attracted to "bad boys"? Sometimes. Bad boys are frequently very, very confident, and that's sexy. Bad boys usually know how to talk to a woman and say things that she wants to hear. Bad boys often have a killer sense of humor. And thanks to movies and TV shows, thousands of steamy romance novels and hundreds of panting, dewy-eyed young adult novels, we girls are told over and over again that reformed bad boys are the best possible partners.

We look at that bad boy who makes our blood pump hot in our veins, and we wonder if he has a heart of gold under that charismatic exterior... because we want to find it. We want to help him find it. We want to have that dream of intense, kinetic attraction and deep, soulful connection. Many of us, especially when we're younger and haven't seen so much of life, think we can make that happen, and we learn—eventually —that it only happens if he wants to make it happen. I'd blame it on all that junk the movies are feeding us, but really, we need to own our choices.

What about what the movies and TV are feeding you guys? You want the hot chicks just like we want the bad boys. You think if you work out, if you make the money, if you drive this car or wear those clothes, you'll get a hot chick. And someday, when you're ready to settle down, you'll become the sitcom dad with the beer belly and the receding hairline who's still married (surprise!) to a hot chick after all these years.

Reality, unfortunately, works a little differently. While I'm flattered that I meet your definition of attractive, and I appreciate that you're nice to me, that doesn't entitle you to anything, including my body.

Some people say that men and women can't be "just friends." I think that's true, for some people, but not for all. I've had some great male friends over the years. Some were gay. Some had girlfriends who were friends of mine as well. Some were single when I was single—and yes, if I'd made an offer, it's possible, maybe even probable, that they would have been receptive to it. But I never did, because I didn't want to, and they decided that our friendship wasn't going to go there and found someone else to have sex or a relationship with. Our friendship continued on anyway, because they knew me, and valued me for more than what they hoped I might give them.

They are the true nice guys, and they're out there. Now that I've gotten a few more years of living behind me, those are the guys I look for. The ones who know and value all the women in their lives as a whole package, as a whole person, and not just the sum of the parts they want to visit.

If that describes you, keep on doing what you're doing, and raise your sons to do that, too.

If you're not a guy who can be "just friends," than you're probably not the "nice guy" you think you are.

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