Day 10: Putting Myself Less
I’m tired and in a hurry so I used the NaBloPoMo prompt: “C.S. Lewis said, ‘Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.’ How good are you of placing others before yourself?”
I’m pretty good at it, particularly when I’m thinking about how others are thinking about me. Just kidding. Maybe. I used to always have in mind what a close friend says: “you wouldn’t worry so much what others thought about you if you knew how seldom they do.” This is extremely comforting.
But then in contrast, my attorney said, “Sigmund Freud said that the paranoid are never entirely wrong.”
Then I found out that I felt paranoid because people really were out to get me, and that turned out to be oddly affirming to me because my gut feelings were right all along and also highly alarming because of the part about people really being out to get me.
I’m really not sure what to extract from that story in relation to the quote. Do I trust myself and my own needs? Sometimes. Do I default to thinking that others' thoughts and wants are more important than mine? That totally depends. A romantic interest? Yes, for a week or so, and then that person had better change, right? Someone whose political beliefs are at the opposite end of the scale from mine? No, I’m right. A patient I’m caring for? I go without water, food, or peeing for hours for patients. The last thing most nurses need is to think they need to do any more for other people.
I really don’t know how to answer it. I also don’t know what the right answer is. I know that when I really start not helping myself, taking care of myself, and trusting myself, things get dicey pretty fast. I also know that when I focus totally on my own wants (my needs are generally met), I can get very selfish and put my needs first quickly. I’m not even sure I know anyone who can’t claim the same, if they’re being honest. That C. S. Lewis. He could really make a person puzzled.