Christian Wannabe

Christian Wannabe

What about God’s manic need for us?   Sure, everyone wants to be loved, God included.  Clearly He deserves it more than anyone.  But humans lose love every day, be it through death, breakup, divorce, etc. We even lose love because someone turns on us for no good reason.   These situations leave us sad, frustrated, jealous and even angry.   Humans are expected to move beyond these emotions.  We certainly can’t punish/kill someone for not loving or choosing us.   Even if God has the right to do so, it doesn’t make His behavior appear rational. 

I could also list several flaws with the story of Satan, including the age-old question of how inequality could be found in such a perfect creature in the first place, especially while in heaven.  I’m going to stick with the odd possibility that Satan, in the presence of his almighty creator, even considered the possibility that he could take over God’s position.  On top of that Satan convinced one-third of God’s angels to do the same.   Think about this.  Satan was only an angel, a mere step above us.  He served God in heaven.  Was God’s sheer awesomeness not enough to convince Satan he had absolutely no chance at a successful rebellion?  Whether this historical or not, I can’t help but cringe at how much this story downgrades my God. 

A couple more thoughts:  Wasn’t Satan in heaven when inequity was found in him?  Can evil even exist in heaven?  Last, how can an omnipresent God avoid evil/sin, especially when God’s most dedicated followers (saved Christians) are innately sinful? Wouldn’t this keep Him from walking with us through our darkest moments?

Let me return to the topic of evil again.  Remember, a big chunk of the Christian argument for God’s just punishment of eternal suffering comes from the fallen world—evil was found in Satan, and because Satan tempted Eve, we are now all sinners.    Salvation by grace (as a completely free gift) doesn’t keep murderers, thieves, etc. from heaven.   It does however, guarantee that millions of good, kind people will, indeed, be locked out of heaven.   You can be the nicest, greatest person in the world.  You can take in vagrants, rescue hurricane victims, donate all your money to homeless shelters and volunteer at soup kitchens, and still not make it to heaven.    However, if you kill your family and repent, you will sit with God.  Is this really how our incredible God determines who resides in heaven with Him?

Worse, because Christianity is a fear-based religion (you will suffer eternally if you don’t accept and submit), some followers stick around just in case.  I’m becoming the perfect example.   I want to choose Christianity because of faith and logic.  If I can’t reconcile this pair, will I choose out of fear?   Again, how is this method ensuring God is getting the right people in Heaven?  

So how did I get here?  By studying my religion, digging up its foundation; tracking its roots.  The more I learned, the more confused I became.  (See Test Your Knowledge)   Now, I’m at a total loss, winding in circles, wanting to have quiet time with my Christian God, but feeling like a traitor.  

I don’t mean to sound anti-Christian, angry or accusatory.  Frustrated, is more accurate.  As my blog title stated, I am now a Christian wannabe.  Whether or not the Fall is a true portrayal of mankind, eating from my own version of the Tree of Knowledge sure didn’t bode well for me.  For those of you who say it’s about faith and nothing more:  If God knows what is in my heart, how can I hide my doubts from Him?

Bible verses aside: what do you think?

Mom Wants A Life


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