A change for the better?
It has been a while since I have posted anything. Really my life has been sort of boring which has been kind of nice. I had settled into a nice routine...work, kids, church. I have been focused on making God my first love and getting to know him better. I have read through the bible and am a third of the way through it again. I go to lifegroups at our church which are smaller more intimate bible studies. I have learned a lot and my daily amount of peace has increased greatly. I sent him a heart felt email expressing completely my remorse and apologized sincerely for my anger and hateful attitude in our marriage and that I loved him and wanted him to work on the gambling and porn stuff by going to counseling or gamblers anonymous or whatever he chose to do. I told him that we could meet a couple times a month about half way becuse we live 700 miles apart to spend time together and to try and work on things. I told him of my belief that because of the reasons we divorced that I truly believed that if we were intimate or got involved with other people we would be committing adultery and that I would not do that. I shared my plan to remain single and celibate until he was no longer alive or we were reconciled. I hoped for a response but I didn't hear anything. I asked my Sunday School group and pastor to all pray for me to be able to let go because despite the fact I hoped my husband would go and "shake off" a few things then return that it didn't look like he was going to do that. I still miss my husband so much. I have remained consistent in my plan of getting closer to God and being as happily single as I can manage. Unfortunately my dedication to the 30 minutes of exercise dropped off. I gained back what I had lost during my healthy phase. But I will keep striving in that area also.
He called me about 3 months after I sent the email asking for the reconcilliation to let me know he hadn't read it until just then. I waited to see what he might say next but nothing significant was said. So I just kept on seeking God and trying to be content and thankful for what I had. He called me maybe 6 months later and told me he had just finished a gambling treatment program. I was so happy and thrilled for him that he had taken that step. We chatted a little but not much. He texted me on Valentines day at 4:00 in the morning saying he wanted to be the first one to wish me a happy one. I heard it go off so I read it right then. I wondered what he was doing up that early or late. I hoped he wasn't doing something he shouldn't. I waited till later that morning to tell him thank you and return the sentiment. He called me every so often and would just check on me to see how I was doing. I usually just said fine and ran through a brief synopsis of my kids activities. It didn't seem safe or prudent to tell him I missed him like crazy and was still mourning our marriage. I didn't want to cause him any pain since he was going through the recovery steps.
This last weekend he called. He said he was going to be in town because a relative was in the hospital. He wondered if I wanted to get a hamburger? I was so scared to say yes. I talked myself out of it because what good would it do? Why rehash old hurts and stir up the pain again? I might trigger something bad for him and I didn't want to do that for sure. Besides seeing him and hearing about probably how awesome his life is going and how his love life is would be very painful for me. I prayed about it and talked to a friend. I wasn't going to go. I kept praying and I felt that I was led to go and that I could control the conversation and not let it go places that might be to painful. That I didn't have to be scared. So I went.