In a blog rut? Publisher reveals epic tips!
The better blogging guide* that arrived shortly after I began this blog is sitting on my desk and I'm fighting the urge to put it through the shredder.
After blogging for a few years, I thought I should give it a read and see if I could pick up some pointers. Turns out I get a gold star in the "so awesomely wrong" category.
Guide to Better Blogging: An Overview
Welcome to your first blogging experience! Join the millions of others who have found a worth-while outlet for their creativity and genius. To turn the page, put your right index finger on the top right-hand corner and gently pull it towards you. It should turn to the next page automatically. DO NOT WET YOUR FINGER TO DO THIS OPERATION!
Before we begin, take a few moments to think about why you want to blog. DO NOT WRITE DOWN FUN. Blogging is not supposed to be fun. And, frankly, we're a little tired that we have to keep reminding people that blogging is AN AUTHENTIC OUTLET FOR CREATIVITY, INSPIRATION, FOOD RECIPES, CRAFTS AND GOOEY SENTIMENT. Humor can work as long as it's not satirical, ironic, or sarcastic. You need to keep things simple. Do not fail at this first task. If you disregard this critical rule, you'll never succeed as a blogger. AdSense and the other pay-per-click advertisers aren't interested in FUN blogs. They want you to write about things other bloggers will want to PURCHASE.
A list of SAFE subjects:
FAMILY -- ideally, family blogs should consist of one blogger, a spouse (of either sex but that's all we really need to know) and one child. More would be good. Extended family may be included, especially if they have medical issues or, BEST CASE scenario, mental health problems and are suffering some kind of sexual disfunction. Pharmaceutical companies are particularly interested in bloggers who are on automatic prescription refills.
KIDS -- keeping readers informed about every aspect of your child's life is the EPITOME of successful blogging. Parents today know that raising a kid is all about keeping them busy and productive. Advertisers LOVE this type of blog. The opportunities to sell you shit you can't really afford and your kids will tire of faster than you can say, "don't give me that look...I paid good money for that iPad, iPod, and iPhone...no, you can't go out and play in the mud...I want you locked in your room, plugged in and online" can't be quantified. Insiders refer to this as SUCKER SYNERGY.
RECIPES -- who doesn't love to read about food? With national obesity rates at an all-time high, it's your JOB to make sure you're feeding your family the best brand name products available. Companies like Hostess and Paula Deen Inc. rely on you to introduce sugar early and include it often in your family's diet. They want to WEIGHT THE SCALE in your favor and help keep America at the TOP of the food pyramid. And, if you blog about "365 Days -- 365 Ways with Lard" you get to feature ads on your site from Weight Watchers AND the Cholesterol Center for Heart Health. This is what we in the business call a MUFFIN-TOP moment.
CREATIVITY -- this is the right blog category for you if you've ever been told you have talent. It could have been when you where two and learned to go potty first time out of training pants. THE WHEN IS NOT IMPORTANT. It's the "how" that will have your readers fighting to overcome feelings of inadequacy. They will look at your primitive clay-lump sculptures and furniture made out of empty toilet paper rolls (for display ONLY) and think -- Shit! They did that? With their own hands? Quick...bring me that garbage can of used tissue and my staple gun. I've got a blogging EMPIRE to build!
You've read this far so we know you are SERIOUS about turning your blog into a MONEY-MAKING BONANZA! We understand it's a lot to take in so at this point, we highly recommend you take some time to REFLECT on the tips and tricks outlined so far.
When you're ready, turn to page 48 and we'll continue your education with the Top Three VOICES that bring the best BANG FOR THE BUCK for bloggers.
This may be the best tip so far. I'll take that break and raise you a bottle of Stoli. I'll be back next time with the conclusion to this PINNACLE of blogging expertise.