Anxiety and Fear
As I have promised multiple times that this site is all about honesty and delighting in life no matter the circumstances, I am choosing to bring you on this journey yet again with me, as I face trials in my everyday life; good and bad. You will see my weaknesses and hopefully my accomplishments when I continue to handover my daily problems to Christ. Some may think I am too honest, but the reality is everyone has struggle, pain and hardship that they have to encounter throughout life; so why sugarcoat it? If you want life sugarcoated, than by all means, this isn't the place for you. BUT....if you want an honesty coupled with hope....than please stick around and travel the path of living an extraordinary life with me as God has promised for those who seek Him.
This morning, I woke up with immense anxiety and fear. Starting my day off with such consumption is a horrible feeling and can be very debilitating. Within the first 30 minutes my husband and I got into a debate and unfortunately, it took place in front of my son. Second, I paid for it all morning long as my son was extremely clingy and emotional. As I headed to church I knew I couldn't put my son in childcare as he has been extremely sick lately and until we really know what is going on, I can't take that step. So, off to church with little man by my side, not understanding the full concept of what it means to whisper. The challenge it brought to take a toddler to church service was anything but easy and definitely a distraction. But....I knew I still needed to be in fellowship with those around me.
Lets just call it what it is....I am a basket case lately. I beat myself up for engaging in an argument, let alone in front of my son. I beat myself up for how I handle myself in the midst of trials and tribulations. I beat myself up for being emotional. I beat myself up for being exhausted and worrying all the time. If I am completely honest, I feel I have had my anxiety level under control for quite sometime until this past week. The devil knows my weakness and is out to bring the worst in me to light. He does a good job and unfortunately I allow it. Today, I realized worrying is only making me struggle to breathe, concentrate and focus on my son.
I came home from church and began to read my Bible to gain the Lord's insight rather than my own. Mine always lets me down, leads me down rabbit holes I don't want to be in and simply holds me back from the joy I've been given. I was reading in Proverbs and then continued to read in "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Boy was today's message for me:
As you get out of bed in the morning, be aware of My Presence with you. You many not be thinking clearly yet, but I am. Your early morning thoughts tend to be anxious ones until you get connected with Me. Invite Me into your thoughts by whispering My Name. Suddenly your day brightens and feels more user-friendly. You cannot dread a day that is vibrant with My Presence.
You gain confidence through knowing that I am with you--that you face nothing alone. Anxiety stems from asking the wrong question: "If such and such happens, can I handle it?" The true question is not whether you can cope with whatever happens, but whether you and I can handle anything that occurs. It is this you-and-I-together factor that gives you confidence to face the day cheerfully.
Was that not the Lord speaking to me? It most definitely was. From what took place the very moment I woke up until mid afternoon was exactly my own thoughts consuming me; "how can I handle what comes my way today?" The reality is this: I will have to get through this day one way or another. Do I choose to do so with anxious thoughts and doubt, or do I simply confide in the Lord multiples times throughout the remainder of my day? I will choose the latter.
I kept asking myself whether I am alive in Christ or consumed by emotion? There was a harsh reality to my answer. I was not only consumed by emotion, but consumed by angry selfish thoughts. I heard today that we often look to God to change our circumstances when we forget that Christ came and lived the same life we are today; full of sin. He walked the road of manipulation, anger, doubt, confusion, pain, agony, sorrow and temptation. He walked it because that is also the road we are walking. He doesn't promise life will be easy, just as it wasn't for Him either. Our focus isn't to be on the hardship, but the glory we will one day receive. The only way we can keep that focus is to allow Christ to transform our minds just as I had to do today and will continue to do.
The feeling of anxiety plaguing my soul is a horrific feeling. The many thoughts that bounce back and forth without me giving approval, instantly encapsulates my soul. If you have ever had anxiety and the physical struggle it pours upon your body, you understand what I am saying. It is that moment I never want to experience again, and although I've given it to the Lord many times, it continues to creep up now and again. This is my "Achilles heel;" anxiety. Do you know what yours is? Be on guard and watch for it to creep up in the most unexpected ways.