14 Reasons Why Men Are Weird
I had this silly encounter on Monday. That combined with the #YesAllWomen twitterfest inspired me to reach out to a diverse group of women and ask them to share their own experiences.
I had six responses in the first hour or so, and if that doesn't seem impressive, ask yourself this: when was the last time you responded to an email immediately?
So here's a roundup of 14 reasons why men are weird, with the funny/wtf creeper moments to back it up. Mine's at the bottom (and pretty tame in comparison to the rest) because, you know, guests come first.
[And if I need to make some kind of disclaimer about #NotAllMen, then you don't understand #YesAllWomen]
1. They ask strange questions
I had a man the other day come over to me whilst I was on the phone and say, "I am so very beautiful, don't you think?"
As I was on the phone I hadn't really expected it, so I stared blankly at him. Then he said, "I am beautiful, do you like me?"
This time I just sighed and went back to my phone call before he said, "Please?" and then walked away.
He didn't seem particularly unstable or anything, it was very odd.
2. They don't understand compliments
When I lived in Amsterdam, I had a man pop up out of nowhere and tell me how much he liked my boobs (in English).
Although it was in the city centre, that area between the Red Light District and the University is often totally devoid of people, and I would have been super nervous had I not been with a friend.
3. They can't small talk worth a damn
Setting: Walking down a hallway in high school
He (randomly turning to me - I had NEVER seen him before): I see you every day walking here. You're very pretty. Can I have your phone number?
Me (dumbstruck and caught off guard): Uh, no. Sorry.
He went on to friend me on Facebook and tried to hang out several times, never succeeding. I can give him this, though: at least he was clear about his feelings.
4. They're a little more Artful Dodger than Mr. Darcy
I was sitting in my University's student center one night, again, doing some homework for class. These two dodgy looking boys (baggy clothes, that "swaggered" walk - they definitely didn't belong there). They sat at a table across from me, and from my peripheral vision I could see them keep looking over at me. I was pretty nervous but knew they'd leave soon enough.
Well, I was wrong.
One of them came over and took the seat next to me. Started asking me my name, what I did. He even asked if I was a cheerleader? Yeah, a little creepy.
Then he asked if he could have my phone number. My response was the typical attempt to shoo him away - "Well. . .I have a boyfriend."
And his response back was, "I can be your friend. . ."
So I said, "Well, why don't YOU give me your number." And he did, and finally got up and left.
He and his friend took a walk around to the other side of the student center, and within 5 minutes, two POLICE OFFICERS showed up on the floor. It was about 10 minutes that they stood around, talked, and eyed the boys. And finally, the cops walked over to them, had some type of conversation, and took them by the arm and escorted them out.
Needless to say, I was a little confused, shocked, and freaked out. Freaked out enough that my next move was straight to my car to get myself home!
5. They have different ideas about acceptable forms of employment
While selling shots on New Year's Eve in the bar where I waitress, I had this experience:
A man approached me and asked what I planned to do for my New Year's Kiss, to which I responded that I would not be having one because I was working. He said, "A girl as pretty as you?" Looked me up and down and then, "Well, you oughta be able to find something else to do for money."
Ah, yes, I love when a man suggests I prostitute to get through college.
6. They give awful advice
I was walking down the street. A pick-up truck passed by, and the guys inside threw me a popsicle so I could "learn how to suck," or so they yelled at me as they drove by. At 16, it offended me a whole lot.
I think it would still offend me now, but I'd be more like, "HOW is that even going to make me want to do that? Seriously."
7. They think they're smooth
The other day, I was working at the boutique when an older man walking by stopped right at the front door, pointed at me, and said, "Japanese?"
I replied, "Nope. Half Korean."
Then while shaking his head, he said, "Man. . .tell your parents. . .good job." He then gave me two thumbs up.
Not even 10 minutes later, the man came back to the store and said, "I almost broke my achilles tendon swiveling back to look at you!"
Uh. . .Thanks?
Why are men so weird and awkward?
8. They're really into drive-by creeping
Thankfully he got the hint or tired from driving so slow and left me alone. I've also had guys (assuming they were guys), honk and yell when I was out jogging. Consequently, I no longer jog.
9. They think a little English is all they need
I was walking through Miraflores (Lima, Peru) with my 76 year old mum and a man stopped and asked whether I knew where an internet cafe was. I said no, I only just got here.
"Oh, where are you from?" he said.
"Australia," said I, "how about you?"
He was from Lima. Yes. He then proceeded to give me his Facebook details and said we should hang out "because I know good English."
The only thing my mum could say, when she managed to pick her jaw off the ground, was "You're not going to, are you?"
10. They leave you hanging
Like any woman, I've heard all kinds of street harassment from men. Some can't muster more than a whistle while others actually speak stupid sentences to me, but the grossest I've heard was definitely when I was 18 and living by myself in New York City.
I was attending fashion school and living in some dorms near Madison Square Garden. If you've ever walked past Madison Square Garden, especially on a game night, you know that drunks abound. Well I was walking home one night alone and passing by the arena when some drunk son-of-a-bitch walks right.up.behind.me. and leans down to whisper in my ear that he'd like to lick me all over. Like hot, gross breath in my ear.
The only problem (using the word "only" loosely here) is that I was on the phone and he whispered this come-on into the same ear I was holding my phone to. While I was on the phone with my dad. It's only by some miracle my dad didn't hear and immediately demand I move home.
And then the man just stumbled on his drunken way. Uh, what? Where you going? I thought we had a moment.
11. They don't have a clue
My first boyfriend picked me up by approaching me at my school locker and announcing, "Hot potatoes aren't cold," putting his arm around me and just grinning until I agreed to go out with him.
It worked for him up until an intimate moment when he decided to sing a British nursery rhyme to me. "Ten green bottles hanging on the wall, and if one green bottle should accidentally fall, there'll be nine green bottles hanging on the wall."
To this day he wonders why it didn't work out between us.
12. They can't solve for X
I’m going to have to give the weirdest pick up-line to the man who approached me one day when I was grocery shopping. I’m browsing the salsas because I am determined not to get my old standby when a guy walks up and stands awkwardly next to me like he wants to say something. I give him the side-eye and take a step to the side thinking maybe I’m blocking the mango salsa he wanted.
Another few seconds go by and he’s still standing there so I venture a glance his way curious why he is silently lurking, and that’s when he lays it on me.
“So, uh, you like salsa, huh?” He asks me.
I blink and nod, “Yea…it’s great.”
“Cool, cool.” He sticks his hands in his pockets. I’m silently screaming because all I want to do is look at the FREAKING SALSAS. I’m a Publix for goodness sakes so there are tons of exotic fruit filled salsa to ponder, but that is next to impossible with my new friend hovering around.
“So, like, since you are into salsa you must do really exciting stuff.”
“Excuse me?” I am beyond confused at this point and am ready to just grab some Picante and call it good. Anything to avoid the salsa-wreck I see barreling towards me. It’s in this moment that he decides to up his game and he flashes me what I think is his devil may care smile, “People who like salsa are extreme and do extreme things. You know, like me. So I’m extreme and you’re extreme….we should maybe do something together.”
I am literally ready to drop my shopping basket in exasperation, but I’ve decided to have some fun with this salsa-shopping-ruining fellow, “I don’t know. I think, maybe, I’m too extreme. I eat salsa, like, every single day.”
“What?” He looks confused at why his invitation at being extreme with him was rebuffed.
“Like I said, I’m too extreme for you. Look at me, I eat it every single day. See this, this, is habanero AND mango. Things are too intense over here, sorry, pal.” I grab the described salsa and gesture like a crazy person. He looks scared. I walk away in an extreme fashion.
13. They can't take a hint
It was Chinese New Year. I climbed into my usual bus and noted that it was practically empty. It was this emptiness, perhaps, that made it a lot easier for him to spot me; either that or the red tank top that I was wearing to celebrate CNY (red is the Chinese lucky color). The moment I got in he said "hi." He caught me off guard so I smiled, albeit tentatively, then proceeded to the back. He turned his head and asked if he could sit beside me. I wanted to say no, I hate small talk with strangers, but once again he caught me off guard, so I nodded, also tentatively.
He started talking to me, even asked me if I had a boyfriend to which I said said yes, even though it wasn’t true, just so he would leave me alone.
You’d think that would have stopped him, but no. He kept on saying all sorts of ridiculous things like “I know a lot of pretty Filipinas but you’re prettier than all of them,” and offering to bring me to all sorts of places around Singapore.
He then asked for my number and because I couldn’t say no, I gave it to him. When he texted, I pretended that it was a wrong number.
Then when he called, I ran across the room to get my guy friend to answer my phone so that he’d think I was a guy and stop bugging me. It worked.
14. They troll local neighborhoods
On Monday, I was walking around my neighborhood. Turned down a side street, changed my mind and was about to backtrack to a park when I realize this car had pulled over and someone was trying to get my attention. Kind of weird, but I thought maybe this person's lost. I've been in that situation abroad where no one can or is able to give you directions, so I try to help out when the opportunity arises.
But no. It's some random guy who probably turned down that street because he saw some little girl alone. He tells me I'm very pretty. Cue suspicion. Introduces himself, and asks if I have a boyfriend.
Yes. Yes, I most certainly do (because even if I didn't, I would have lied to end that conversation).
Does drive-by creeping ever work for any man? I'm curious.
Do you have an interesting creeper encounter to share?