10 Tips for New Moms

10 Tips for New Moms

1)  I don't care if you've got 4 weeks left or you're 3 days late, if you're feeling "funky" and obsessing over whether or not this is IT, just go to the freaking doctor!  Take my advice and don't wait until you're putting every ounce of effort into standing up without doubling over before heading over there. 

You just might find yourself stuck in rush hour traffic wondering why the hell, when the doctor asked you if you'd be interested in some Lamaze classes, you responded with, "no thanks, I'm just going to wing it."

Worst case scenario you have some bitchy nurse tell you you're not in labor, to drink some water, suck it up, and you get a freebie listen to your baby's heartbeat/ultrasound.

2)  It's okay to change your mind last minute about your baby's name.  Hell, it's okay to confidently show off your newborn baby with the chosen name and then decide 2 hours later that is not in fact the correct name for your baby.  How could you let me tell people she was an Emily when she is so clearly NOT AN EMILY???

They won't let you leave without putting a name on the birth certificate right?  Milk that for all it's worth, grab a few more nights of around the clock nannies and somebody who is not you cooking.

3)  On that note, you can change your mind about pretty much whatever you want around this time. 

"I'm going all natural for labor!  It's what's best for the baby!  Plus Jessica Alba thinks it's zen."
12 hours later to...
"GIVE ME THE EFFING DRUGS OR I SWEAR I'M NOT GOING TO PUSH.  NOT EVEN A LITTLE.  YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A C-SECTION??  BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S GOING DOWN IF YOU DON'T GET SOMEONE WITH A VERY LARGE NEEDLE IN HERE STAT! @#%#@*@@@!!!!!"

"Breast is best!!!!!"
to...
"Please get this angry, screaming child away from my poor nipples and give him a bottle already.  This is not beautiful and I don't like it."

"I'm not going to be one of those hippie moms who can't be away from their babies for more then 30 seconds.  Trust me, this child will be sleeping on his own, in his own bed from day 1."
to...
"The crib?  Are you insane?  My baby is not leaving my side thank you very much."

It's okay.  This is pretty much the one time in your adult life where nobody (at least nobody worth your time) is going to judge you for being a little wishy washy.

4)  This is also the one time in your adult life where you can randomly decide to chop off 11 inches, get fringe bangs, or go red and have it be acceptable.  I hear lots of people say you shouldn't do anything drastic to your hair for the first few months after having a baby.  Apparently it's a common "mistake" new moms make.  But I disagree.

Unless you're one of the Kardashians, you're probably going to spend the next year (or 2 or...when do they start school again?) not putting as much effort into your looks as you use to.  So why not shake things up?  Or fuck things up, whatever.  You're allowed to, this is your hairstyle meltdown time!  You might even come out ahead! 

Or not...but it's called a headband, I hear the 80s are coming back anyway.

5)  There is no shame in yoga pants.  In fact I have it on good authority (*ahem* the man who got me in this predicament in the first place...) that my ass looks awesome in them.  It may not be true, but I'm going to go with it.

6)  "It took you 9 months to put the weight on, it'll take you..." blah blah blah.  Forget about the weight.  You might lost it all within 6 weeks and never wear the same brand/size of jeans again.  Or you might find yourself a year later feeling sexier than ever but still 20 pounds shy of pre-pregnancy weight.  I've been on both ends of the spectrum and the only firm conclusion I've come to is that pregnancy changes your body.  Period.  Get use to it.  Love it. 

7)  This is for those of you with another child at home.  Embrace the tv.  Stop trying to be super mom during this time.  We get it, normally your child only gets 30 minutes of screen time and your prefer to fill his days with educational activities and creative crafts that will encourage his development into brilliance.  But right now if the most stimulating task your 3 year old takes on is attempting to make himself a peanut butter and jelly because mommy fell asleep with her face in a plate of nachos, THAT'S FINE.  Well, maybe not the passing out part but you get my drift.

Their IQ won't drop that much.  And if it does, hey at least they have those good looks to fall back right??

8)  Even if you're full blown, 100%, on the cover of Times motivated breastfeeding, it's okay to have a little formula in the house.  It's not poison, I swear.  If your baby isn't latching right now, or your nipples hurt so badly you want to cry every time you realize your baby is hungry AGAIN, or you need a large glass of wine ASAP, or maybe you need to have your partner take over so you can get a solid 4 hour stretch of sleep.  In any case, the world will not end.  Your breasts will not dry up, your baby will not lose interest in nursing (I mean seriously, how many times have you told hubby you're too tired tonight?  Has HE lost interest in them yet?!), and the breastfeeding police will not find you. 

As long as you cover your tracks, pay for that can of formula with cash.  They can't trace it that way...

Your sanity is worth more than the "studies," it's even worth more than Gisele Bundchen's opinions (I know, shocking right?). 

9)  Don't start any huge arguments or make any major life decisions.  Other than bangs obviously.  You're hormonal and, let's face it, a little on the crazy side right now.  Your husband might seem like the biggest asshole in the world and you might be wondering why you ever married him in the first place, but honestly he may have genuinely forgotten you said Reese's Cups and NOT Reese's Pieces.  Forgive him.

On the other hand if you ask him what he thinks of Angelina Jolie and he does not IMMEDIATELY respond with "she's way too skinny" then all bets are off.  Go for it girl.

10)  Scrap-booking can wait.  Those pictures will still be there when they go to college.

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